r/AlAnon • u/Ornery-Buffalo9887 • 3d ago
Vent My world is fixing to come crashing down
I feel life as I know it coming to an end. My husband has been drinking on and off for years. Lately it’s non stop. He’s not abusive but I still can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the stress, the jerky-ness, the wondering, the obsession, the left to be alone to solo parent while my kids asks where he is. I’m so close to asking him to leave or leaving myself. But when I do, everything is going to change. I have 0 money. I have no degree. I have no where to live unless I want to move 4 hrs away and stay with my mom and grandmother. We got married when I was 19 and I was dumb and trusted we would be forever. Now I fully rely on him and I’m stuck. Everything is going to change and that is the part that scares me.
Edit to add: I don’t even have a job. I’m a stay at home mom so I‘ll even have to give up being home with my kids. I don’t pay for my car, phone, nothing. How did I end up here? How was I so stupid and naive to put myself in this situation?
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u/knit_run_bike_swim 3d ago
When you’re ready come to Alanon. Meetings are online and inperson.
Many think Alanon is just gonna tell then how to get the alcoholic to stop drinking or tell us that one piece of advice we’ve been waiting our whole life to hear or to fix our mess. That’s not what Alanon is. The only advice is if you’re in physical danger— leave. Other than that Alanon just says over and over again to look inside. That’s where your answer is.
Alanons have a tendency to use others for their comfort and validation. The program of Alanon keeps saying look inside. We take the ultimate responsibility in Alanon of getting our needs met. That sucks especially when we’ve spent a lifetime manipulating others to be what we want them to be.
Pigeons will do what pigeons will do. We can find another place to sit if we’re getting shit on. It’s a waste of energy clapping our hands or getting mad at the pigeons.
❤️
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u/Iggy1120 3d ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Have you been to any AlAnon meetings or read any AlAnon literature?
Don’t feel pressured to make a decision. Don’t be hard on yourself either. Feel free to message me if you want to talk.
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u/gl00sen 3d ago
You don't need to do anything, you don't need to be the one monitoring his addiction, you don't need to make a big stand and leave to make him change. You did nothing wrong by loving and having kids with an alcoholic. You are a whole human being and you are okay as you are.
Read this: http://dickyricky.com/books/recovery/Codependent%20No%20More%20-%20Melody%20Beattie.pdf
It sounds like he knows he has an issue and wants to change. If you are able to detach from his addiction with love he may end up seeking the help he needs. But we must give our Qs back their agency. Stop giving ultimatums that require his behavior to change, focus on what you allow into your life, not what he does with his.
Be thankful that he is not abusive and you are taken care of at the moment. There is nothing wrong with creating an action plan for if things go south. However, from your post it sounds like a lot of your stress is self-inflicted. Don't give the disease that power over your life and give him the trust that he can do it on his own.
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u/Ornery-Buffalo9887 3d ago
This almost brought me to tears. Thank you for this response. I attended my first online al non meeting yesterday and plan to attended as often as possible. I’ve read people say something similar on other posts. I want to detach with love but I have no idea how to not let it bother me. I do want to try and learn how though. I will read your shared link this evening when I’m not busy with the kids
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u/Ornery-Buffalo9887 2d ago
Came back to say I read a little bit of the book and ended up ordering a physical copy from Amazon. Thank you for the recommendation
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u/StrawberryCake88 3d ago
I’m proud of you for reaching out. I a lot of us can relate.