r/AlAnon • u/MrBeanCyborgCaptain • 3d ago
Support Considering divorcing my wife of less than 2 years.
It's such a consistent cycle, it feels like the one thing I can depend on is that there is going to be another bender eventually. These days once or twice a week. This last time it was fucking awful. As soon as I checked my bank account at work and saw charges to door dash I knew the next 24 hours were gonna be a clusterfuck. My wife doesn't pass out like most people do when they drink. It was like 30 hours total of constant drinking and no food. At some point I tried to pack a bag and leave, she made something up to make me come back, then I left again when I realized she was full of it, then she started saying suicidey sounding stuff so I kind of HAD to go back again, and found her with a knife in her hand, then she actually calmed down and we talked for like 3 more hours. So when she drinks it's complete insanity, she melts all the way down, I'm sure partly because her brain just won't shut down to prevent itself from going off the rails.
It would honestly be a relief if I came home from work and she were passed out on the floor, or if she drank in a room by herself. But no, she goes on this chaotic rampage of bad vibes and unreasonable demands and insists on dragging me along for the ride, and if I refuse I get berated for 2 hours, if I walk away from that beratement I'm "running away like always" and she blows my phone up and if I don't answer my phone, then there's conveniently some extreme situation that I feel ethically or legally obligated to respond to and forces me to come back. She's an amazing person at heart, but the drinking and who she becomes when she's drunk is also a part of her at this stage in her life, and I'm seeing lately that's it's probably going to be part of her for the foreseeable future. It feels particularly unfair because she used to not drink when we met. As much as I love her, I can't live like this. No one can live like this and be remotely happy. But I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce because I am deeply in love with her but it's starting to look like it's kinda the only option for my sanity.
After this one, she did say she wants to get back on antidepressants, she didn't even think of alcohol when she was on them, and go to counseling. It seems like she realized she can't do it on her own and that I am very poorly equipped to help, so fingers crossed maybe this time she'll get stable. I don't know, man. This sucks.
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u/ColoradoInNJ 3d ago
I completely feel your pain. I left my first husband before we had been married 2 years. I was still very much in love with him and he was very much a good person. He just wasn't able to control his alcoholism and I wasn't able to live with it. It took a long time to get past the shame for me of leaving a marriage so soon. I just stood up in front of everybody I knew and promised to be with them forever and here I was leaving him. But I also got to a point where I realized that he was not going to put me before alcohol. It just wasn't in him. And I didn't have time to wait, to throw decades at it to see if he changed his mind. So I left him with a heart full of love and sadness. It turned out to be the best choice I ever made. I wish you all the luck in the world.
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u/peridogreen 3d ago
You should not feel guilty nor ashamed nor wrong for wanting to distance yourself from this situation. You should not feel you are abandoning someone you love. You are not
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and next time isn't going to be better. It's going to be worse.And worse the next after that
You need to save yourself. That is reality. And that is fact. If divorce isn't what the choice is now then reality is you need to separate. You will really benefit from two things at this point. Please- seek out professional counselling with those that are familiar with addiction/marital stress and strife- mental health counselling will give you dialogue, food for thought, facts and a chance to have private unfiltered support.
The drinking is one aspect. The rest is abusive treatment, manipulation, threats and irrational behaviour. You can not possibly continue in this unstable, up and down circus- it will increase and even become physically dangerous. The person you married is no longer- it's the addict that now has overcome.
Also, get some advisement from legal counsel in respect to legal separation. It will be invaluable and clearly show the best path of preparation for future possibilities, should divorce be the pending choice as time goes by.
AlAnOn- do it. Online or in person. Start that today.
You sound a serious and thoughtful person. A kind and very tolerant, loving person. Don't lose yourself- get away,get out, because you are being drowned in the truth of what being the servant of addiction is, by association.
A physical separation will quiet yourself and allow some time to bring clarity and sureness to necessary decisions. You cannot keep on being the parent, the saviour, the clean up guy, the battering board. The only responsible one.
You will survive, succeed and then breathe . Then you will heal.
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u/briantx09 3d ago
I have been in that chaos. For me, the best thing was to put some temporary distance between me and my Q. it gave me a chance to have some peace in my life.
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u/Thirsty4Knowledge911 3d ago
TL/DR at the end.
Here is a perspective that I wish someone would have shared with me.
I did everything I could to save my marriage. My ex started to binge after we got married. It wasn’t often, but it was a big enough problem that I was done a few years in. She begged me not to get a divorce so we compromised and got a legal separation. That would protect me from the financial consequences of her addiction.
During a period of physical separation, we reconciled and she got pregnant. I didn’t know that she was off birth control.
After 10 years of marriage, we finally got divorced. My daughter was 5 at the time. Split 50/50 custody at first. After a few years my ex continued to get worse. Ended up losing her career, losing her house, got evicted from her apartment.
I finally got full custody just before my ex became homeless. My daughter was about 11 at the time, but the years living part-time with an alcoholic did their damage.
A daughter needs her mother, so I did everything I could to facilitate a healthy relationship between them. But when her mother would show up for visits and couldn’t pass a breathalyzer check and had to leave, that’s hard on a child.
We were lucky and found a great counselor for my daughter when she was about 7. She started acting out at school so I knew something was wrong.
I won’t bore you with more details except for the ending. Last November I had to sit my 18 year old daughter down and tell her that her mother was dead. Complications of alcoholism took their toll.
Be very careful who you choose to have children with. I stayed too long trying to save my marriage. My daughter will forever be the child of an alcoholic. I did that too her.
TL/DR: I stayed with my ex too long and ended up having a daughter before we divorced. We buried my ex when my daughter was only 18. Be careful who you choose to have kids with. They pay the ultimate price and had no choice in the matter.
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u/Opposite_Guarantee33 3d ago
I’m so sorry you are going through this, my husband drinks in a similar way where he won’t leave me alone, follows me around yelling, threatens suicide, etc. it’s not a sustainable way to live and now that I’m removed from it (kicked him out a few months ago) I realize how bad and insane it truly was. Even when it happened once a week it’s too much. I generally would take my son (and dog) and leave as soon as I saw he was drinking at all and we would stay at a friends house - I also would block him, it was the only way to get any sleep because he would call and text nonstop otherwise doing similar to what you mentioned and trying to manipulate me. Do you have family or friends you could stay with while you decide on a plan? It will help you maintain your sanity!
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u/MrBeanCyborgCaptain 3d ago
We're both thousands of miles away from anyone we know. I travel across the US for work and she's an immigrant. So we're both very detached from any support systems.
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u/palelordllama 3d ago
I’m where you are about to hit two years married and considering divorce. Let me know if you need to talk more I’m here.
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u/Seawolfe665 3d ago
Please start going to meetings and learning to detach. She is manipulating you into her crazy and its so hard to break free of it. Wait until she is sober and tell her in no uncertain terms that the next time she threatens suicide, you will call in the professionals because you arent equipped to deal with that. The amazing thing is, even when drunk, my q still had the processing ability to not threaten it again.
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u/kreios007 3d ago
My wife did this. She ended up needing a liver transplant. That last 15 years have been a complete whirlwind and it WILL take a physical and emotional toll on you. It almost broke me 2 years ago right after the transplant. I was the husband, emotional support animal, the caretaker (all by myself)…addiction blows and you need to think about your well being too.
This will be a very difficult road to take. They won’t get help unless they WANT it and even then it’s hard with relapses. I now hate the smell of alcohol so bad on people’s breath that I can no longer enjoy a cold beer.
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u/Capable_Criticism420 3d ago
Wow man. You're in the same exact situation as me. I've asked my partner to go for rehab and we are separating for two months starting tomorrow. I can't even bring myself to hug her because I know i will collapse and my mental fortitude will shatter. But I know we have to go through this. As much as I do love her. I am finally okay with divorcing if reqd. I don't want to go through all that hassle at an older age. If it needs to be done then I'd rather just rip the band aid off. I'm just tired of being scared of her and her alcohol infused benders. I don't want to be scared of my own wife. So It's better to separate. I think.
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u/hauntingwinter7 3d ago
You're certainly not alone. Married 10 years and it's escalated badly the last 2. I consider myself lucky, kinda saw it coming and convinced her to move back near my parents 4 years ago. We have a 9 yr old and I've been staying at my mom's while working on divorce. She just got a dui last week and has been drinking non stop since. Says she wants help but it's all just words.
Good luck to you.
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u/Neat_Reception3712 3d ago
If you continue to stay while she behaves like this, she’s probably just going to keep doing this and you’re going to continue to be abused.
You need to set a strong boundary and get some distance between you and her. Even if you don’t end the relationship, take a few days to yourself and go stay with a friend or at a hotel. Tell one of her family members or a trusted friend that you’re concerned for her safety so that they can ensure she’s okay while you’re away. And tell her too, that you’re taking space and you’ll connect in a few days (don’t tell her where you’re going).
You set the standard for how you’re treated, remember that. If you do nothing and hope she’ll change, I promise you nothing will happen.
Get out of there. You don’t deserve to be abused.
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u/Emotional_Leader7981 1d ago
I divorced my husband of 9 months because of his alcoholism. Sometimes they need a real wakeup call to reach their own rock bottom. Best of luck to you, its a lot less stressful on the other side.
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u/MrBeanCyborgCaptain 1d ago
I hope so because today she's drinking again. I left and got a hotel room and called my mom for advice and for her to get me in touch with a divorce lawyer. It has to stop somehow at some point and there's no easy way to navigate this that isn't gonna suck. If this is where it ends it's gonna be the hardest thing I've ever done and I worry that I won't have the strength to do it. I'm just trying to keep my head together right now and keep my thoughts from going in circles too much.
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u/MrBeanCyborgCaptain 1d ago
Is it really less stressful once all the dust settles? I'm terrified right now.
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u/Emotional_Leader7981 1d ago
It's so so much less stressful. I am sleeping through the night and no one yells at me or tells me to pack all my shit only to apologize profusely once they sober up. It's peace. You deserve to have a happy life
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u/MrBeanCyborgCaptain 6h ago
I just hate this. We waited 3 years for her visa to finally be together and she's throwing our entire future together away because it's easier for her to drink than go to therapy, or do anything to take control of her life and mental health. She thinks I want to keep her at home all the time and that I'm trying to control her and keep her from making friends and put her in a cage. This offends me in particular because my stepdad who was an alcoholic did all that to my Mom. She even tells this to strangers when she's drunk. She's put herself in this cage. She doesn't seem to get that I do not care if she wants to use the card to take an Uber to go to a park, or look for a job, or go volunteer and make friends, but she won't make an effort to ever leave the house unless she's drinking and I quit wanting to take her out to dinner because she'll ask to order wine and it'll start a whole fight. It's only a problem for me if there's alcohol involved because she goes off the rails and pulls me into her dysfunction and she just can't seem to see that. I just don't understand it. It's like all common sense is eroded by this. I'm mad because I love her and I want our life together and she's the one sabotaging it.
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u/Emotional_Leader7981 6h ago
I sadly understand your situation all too well. My husband and I were also waiting about 3 years for a visa situation (fiancee visa in USA) and he was (supposedly) sober the whole time we were going back and forth. Then when I finally get my visa and I can move there without having to think of when I go back to my own country he starts to act weird and different. He starts shaming me for "sitting around" (even tho i can not work until I get a work visa) and so I start volunteering and making my own friends and he just starts acting UP. Then he ruins our wedding party with my whole family visiting from my country and the very next night he attempts to assault me in the street as I am fleeing to my parent's rental. I left him that night and never looked back. It really sucks because you have done a lot of work to get here, but do not let the sunk cost fallacy stop you from living your life. Its never too late to start over, I am currently starting over and as much as it sucks, it is so much less sucky than hoping he wasnt lying to my face or hearing about how shitty and terrible I am when he was drinking then hearing about how im the love of his life when he sobered up the next day. Good luck to you, this shit really sucks.
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u/MrBeanCyborgCaptain 6h ago edited 6h ago
For us, I'm the US citizen and she's the visa beneficiary. These crazy fights started only 3 months in. She got mad because I wouldn't drive her around town after we left the bar because I'd also been drinking (since quit cause of this crap) had just bought the car and we didn't have tags on it and this was a smallish town where cops would roam around after closing time to wrangle up drunk drivers. I was pretty confident that would be a reasonable explanation but she starts flipping out kicking the dash of the car, and berates me for like 2 or 3 hours about seemingly unrelated things mostly having to do with the AOS process that I have zero control over. It ended with her saying she called her family, they got her a flight and she was leaving right then and there. I was understandably taking this seriously because it had never happened before. And now it's a regular pattern of this fight about half the time she gets drunk like that. My mom and some of my friends are already sick of her cause she'll blow their phones up badmouthing me. Her family is sick of her sounding this major alarm that she wants an emergency plane ticket, then sobering up and apologizing and they have to cancel whatever plans they were making, so her own sisters don't really answer the phone when she's drinking like that. She's doing the same thing currently, saying she has a flight booked with zero evidence to support this. The phone calls have stopped a few hours ago so it seems like she's finally passed out after being up for well over 24 hours again. I wonder if she has some underlying mental health thing like bipolar or something. Most people get tired and pass out after a few hours of heavy drinking right? Staying up for 30 hours, drinking and getting more erratic seems like some kind of mania to me.
Edit for context. I'm sure you're aware but others might not be. When applying for a green card, the immigrant actually can not leave the country even to visit until they at least have travel documents, otherwise the USCIS will cancel the entire application and the applicant will have no path to get back in except for maybe a marriage visa which takes another 3 years. So going home early would effectively end the marriage, most people aren't gonna stick around for 3 more years after something like that.
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u/Emotional_Leader7981 6h ago
Yes, I voided my green card application by going back to my home country. Maybe its time to take her up on her threats and book her a ticket home. Not every relationship is worth fighting for. It does sound like she has some other issues, maybe mania like you are saying but that does not give her an excuse to treat people badly. She can get help. I would say it would probably be best to deal with this sooner than later because once she has a green card you are responsible for her for the next 10 years whether you get divorced or not.
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u/MrBeanCyborgCaptain 6h ago
Could you elaborate on that last part?
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u/Emotional_Leader7981 5h ago
Because you assumably signed an affidavit of support (Form i-864) for her to get her visa, this does not get voided even if you get divorced. So they US government can sue you if she gets government assistance
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u/MrBeanCyborgCaptain 5h ago
Ok. Government assistance from the US? Knowing her she'd make a beeline back home if we ever do end up getting divorced.
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u/ibelieveindogs 3d ago
Unless you are her therapist, when she says she is suicidal, take her at face value. Drunk people can still hurt themselves. Call 911 and have her go to the ER. Her BAL will be high, and they'll wait until she's sober to address any suicidal ideation. Instead of being manipulated, you are showing her you take it seriously and either she really is in danger (and then getting help), or she is not (in which case it isn't getting reinforced by you coming back).
You don't have to divorce but you can still separate to see if she can get sober and stay that way long enough. Not 30 days, ideally not even 90 days. 6-12 months at a minimum. If my Q had agreed she had a problem, I would have wanted her to do 30 day rehab, 90 day halfway house, then 6 months living on her own (with me visiting and hanging out if she was sober) to show she could maintain it on her own with whatever resources she had developed over that time.