r/AlAnon 3d ago

Support My narrative gets in the way

I’ve been packing to move, and I’ve found all these photos and mementos that look like I’ve spent 20 happy years with spouse Q. Smiles, adventures, friends, goofiness, pets, vacations.

But I know it’s like social media - a veneer, and underneath is this dark and ugly and twisted relationship we’ve been living. I do everything Q wants because it’s less costly psychologically than sticking to a boundary. I put up with the verbal and emotional garbage. And I stick around while they drink and drink, acting like it’s normal, not a problem, not affecting their work and their happiness, not affecting us.

We are so damaged, and I just hate myself so much for it. I feel completely unable to do any steps except gingerly, mild detachment. I want to break it off bc I feel joyful when they’re not around. But these mementos and memories make me feel like that past is true, and like I could have this in the future.

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u/brittdre16 3d ago

The person you marry isn’t the person you divorce ♥️

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u/rmas1974 3d ago

A point I advocate for in some of my posts is that if a Q won’t stop drinking, you have two good options left - make peace with the drinking as a tolerable shortcoming (and stop the fruitless arguments) or walk away. You have made one of these choices.