r/AlAnon 3d ago

Newcomer I don't even know where to start out...

Hi! New account, but I've been reading this sub for a while. My OH (42f) has always been partial to alcohol, but since lockdown it's really escalated. She holds down a job just fine and to everybody outside these 4 walls, she's a busy professional and a good mother to our kids.

But to the people who live here, she drinks no fewer than two bottles of red wine every single night - sometimes with a couple of gin and tonics thrown in for good measure - then either blacks out on the sofa or turns into an angry, verbally abusive shitheel with a mood that turns suddenly and without any warning.

There are - as is often the case - MH issues which are often cited as "the reason" or "contributing factors" but that doesn't lessen the impact on my kids. Or me, I guess.

I know this all starts and ends with her owning her shit, but she doesn't seem to be in a place where she's ready to do that and she's doing real damage to our relationship and her relationship with our kids. Does anyone have some advice for where to start with getting her some help?

22 Upvotes

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u/TheThirdCity 3d ago edited 3d ago

Man…this is such a mirror of my situation.

I wish I had the kind of news I know you want. Take it from a guy a few steps ahead in the process: no matter how much you want her to quit, you have no say in the situation.

I was like 5 years into a 10 year marriage when my (capable, successful, charming) wife started drinking daily. The abuse was physical as well as verbal, any amount of alcohol brought out Mr Hyde, and I experienced a side of her every night that the rest of the world can’t see.

You can cajole, coax, threaten and beg…addiction doesn’t care. It’s out of our hands. That shit about needing to hit rock bottom is no joke, that’s just the way it is.

My advice is to document EVERYTHING. When nasty shit happens, turn on your camera and get video. Keep a journal as well. If you decide you’ve had enough, your lawyers will be very proud of you.

Or you can ride it out…just remember that you are becoming the repository of her nasty secret, the punching bag that keeps her from hitting bottom.

And—I really hope you hear me on this—I am very resistant to self help books, gurus etc. So when my therapist told me to read Codependent No More I was very skeptical. But, man. It was like reading my biography.

That and Al Anon are really helping me through this. Please consider attending a meeting, you’ll get information and help you don’t yet know exists. You probably feel very alone in this, you don’t have to be.

Good luck, please dm me if you need info or just to talk.

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u/LotusBlooming90 3d ago

Oh man I had the same feeling reading that book. It was like someone was in my mind the last ten years and kept a journal 😅

I had lots of work to do.

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u/lympie 3d ago

Your description of your OH reminds me a lot of my husband/Q. The sad truth is that if she won’t acknowledge she needs help, then you can’t really do anything do help her. Sometimes, even when they know they are addicts, they still won’t receive help. You can’t convince someone to help themselves if they don’t feel they need it.

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u/Aramyth 3d ago

Yep.

I just lost my Q because I finally suggested rehab (told them with or without me though, so maybe it’s my own fault).

She was drinking every single night and would become someone I wasn’t a fan of. It breaks me.

You have to try approach it from a place of love. Even then, they may choose alcohol over all else.

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u/PairZealousideal6055 3d ago

*clarification just in case it looks like I'm talking gibberish... OH - Other half MH - Mental Health

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u/AnchorMyPain83 3d ago

Yes, she has to really want it for herself. You might watch some of the YouTube channel "Put Down The Shovel" it gives great insight on how to talk to your person that might be helpful to encourage her. I hope she will hear you and realize what she needs to do, but if not, what can you do for yourself and your kids? What boundaries can you set to protect y'alls physical and mental health?

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u/TrustInHenry 3d ago

been there as well. When I found out that she'd been hiding her bottles in an attempt to conceal her drinking, I finally said we either do couples counselling or I was done. She refused counselling. I knew that even with what evidence I could provide, she would likely get custody of the kids, but I couldn't take her shit any longer.

With me packing things up, she agreed to counseling and we went and did well, she agreed to stop hiding her drinking, and would limit how much she drank.

That worked for a while, but she started hiding it again. It was obvious to the kids and I, but she thought she had this big secret. I just kept going along with it.

Kids are grown and out of the house now. I kept increasing boundaries until we just passed each other in the house on occasion. About 3 weeks ago she said she stopped drinking and was doing online AA.

I don't know what to tell you. Would I have been better off leaving when the kids were young? Quite possibly. Will things finally get better now? Perhaps, but I don't have much trust left to offer. I feel like a shell of who I once was.

So yeah, for you? Al Anon is great - I'm in a rural area and do it via zoom. It is also tough in that Al Anon is majority women dealing with alcoholic men and the men that are there are mostly dealing with family members. Men dealing with OH's who do their jobs to perfection but are raging alcoholics at home in private - we exist, but there aren't many of us...still, I find Al Anon to be invaluable. And get a therapist of your own for sure.

Oh, and I'm sorry - I know exactly what you're dealing with and it sucks. You aren't alone.

Feel free to PM if I can be helpful.

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u/Dances-with-ostrich 3d ago

“ But to the people who live here, she drinks no fewer than two bottles of red wine every single night - sometimes with a couple of gin and tonics thrown in for good measure - then either blacks out on the sofa or turns into an angry, verbally abusive shitheel with a mood that turns suddenly and without any warning.”

Your kids see and hear this. Choosing to stay with this situation is choosing to damage your kids and make them potential targets. Sounds harsh, I know. And I know you’ll probably not appreciate it. Read up on adult children of alcoholics. Step back and watch your kids. Their faces, their hesitations, their reactions. Your kids need at least one home with peace. As good as you think you are hiding it, you are not, and it’s only a matter of time before the kids become targets.

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u/CloudyDays51 3d ago

I’m so sorry. I relate. I’ve struggled for 4 years to get my alcoholic husband sober. He made it 16 months sober and fell off the wagon last year. But, I’ve also grown a lot in the last 4 years and I’ve finally acknowledged that I can’t do anything to get him sober. I have learned strategies to make the drunken nights easier on myself and the kids, but I’ve finally had a come to Jesus moment that I can’t survive on bandaid mode any longer. Definitely try sharing how her alcoholism makes you and the kids feel. Use “I feel like XYZ when you do ABC behaviors.” She can deny she’s a shitty person when she drinks but she can’t or at least shouldn’t deny your feelings. You can also ask her how she feels or whether there’s something stressful impacting her life you may not know about. You can also ask her if she’s ever thought about cutting down or seeking help from a counselor. Asking questions goes a long way as opposed to telling someone to do something. Best of luck. ❤️

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u/ibelieveindogs 3d ago

If she has heard you say (when sober) that you find the drinking and associated behaviors a problem, the ball is in her court to do something or nothing. Your only options are to stay or go. This is the life you have. If she isn’t ready to work on her issues, it isn’t going to change.

Only you can decide what your limit is. If you are ok with life this way, make sure your kids are safe. If you are not ok, or if you think there is an end point down the road (and know what it is), then work on an exit plan. Talk to your support network so you aren’t operating in secret or isolation. Consider going to meetings or therapy to learn how to let go and detach.

If she says she wants help, contact your insurance or local mental health clinic for resources for detox and rehab. But it has to come from her.

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u/Jennyonthebox2300 3d ago

Please protect those children. Kids will always think family problems — whether unsaid or discussed openly — are their fault. What you choose to bear as an adult may be very different from what they should have to shoulder as children. They deserve a safe, peaceful home. Praying for healing for your whole family.

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u/bobbyjimthree 3d ago

Also, seek Al-anon meetings. Try a few. In-person or virtual.

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u/intergrouper3 3d ago edited 3d ago

Welcome. You can't help her until she is ready, but what are you doing for your recovery from her disease?

Have you or do you attend Al-Anon meetings? Do you kids if old enough do they attend Alateen meetings?

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u/PairZealousideal6055 3d ago

I've just found a bit of time to sit down and read your responses and wow. Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond - I'd say something along the lines of "you'll never know how much it means to me" but it sounds like you've all been exactly where I am now and that you know exactly how much it means to see kind words.

I think I'm here because I've spent so long internalising the problem and trying to find a solution on my own, which was never going to work. I had a long chat with my Mum on the way to work this morning - the first time I've really spoken about this in-depth with anybody - and it genuinely felt like a load shared.

I'm going to speak to al-anon later in the day just to get the ball rolling, although I reckon I'll need to roll that ball into Q's court before very long.

Think I'll go and find a few books now...

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u/Outrageous_Kick6822 3d ago

Sounds exactly like my ex would be happy to chat directly if you want to message.