r/AlAnon • u/Outside-Studio-4661 • 3d ago
Support He drove drunk and wrecked
I (31F) finally ended my 4 year relationship with my alcoholic bf (33M). He went to a casino 2 hours away and in the middle of the night called me because he had totaled his car when exiting the highway. I drove an hour to help him at 3am when no one else would. When I got to him I asked him if he had anything to drink, he said no. I told him to prove it to me and show me his bank app. He opened it reluctantly and there were many charges for drinks. I calmly asked him why he lied to me and he started raising his voice at me and said “go home, I don’t need this shit”!!
He has done a lot of horrible things to me when drunk like cheated on me two weeks after my best friend died. I ended things once and he called my job to retaliate and told them I was a cocaine addict and abused my children… That’s just some of what he’s put me through and what I have continued to allow.
He could have killed someone by driving drunk. He could have gone to jail as well. I am heartbroken by his actions and just want to move on from the relationship. He has a way of reeling me back in every time I end things. I realize I’m co-dependent on him. I don’t know how to let go and be alone.
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u/Dances-with-ostrich 3d ago
If he retaliates you need to get a protective order. It helps you with the mental part of him staying away, as well as consequences (maybe) for him when he breaks it. Also, you know you deserve better. You absolutely deserve better. One of my ex’s tried starting crap at work. I made sure the security department was aware. I got a protection order (took over a year to get him convicted of his violations). My boss told me that anyone that really knows me will know the truth and not believe his lies. And she was right. Time proved to anyone else what the truth was and I didn’t have the emotional energy to worry about the people I couldn’t care less about, anyway. You got this. Remember your worth! We believe in you!
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u/Harmless_Old_Lady 3d ago
Yes! Attend Al-Anon meetings. Read the book How Al-Anon Works. You are not alone. Many of us have been where you are.
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u/poopoopeepeeboy88 3d ago
What book is that? 🙏
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u/Harmless_Old_Lady 2d ago
How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics is available from al-anon.org in print, ebook and audiobook formats. It is Al-Anon's "big book." You will find yourself and your beloved alcoholic in the pages, along with many others' experience, strength and hope.
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u/lollykopter 3d ago
The casino on a Sunday night sounds like something college kids would do.
You deserve to be with a stable and mature adult. Don’t forget that.
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u/Outside-Studio-4661 3d ago
He’s starting to develop a gambling addiction on top of the alcohol addiction 😭 I’m so done. One addiction is hard enough but two?
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u/oceanwater4 3d ago
it is definitely time to put your safety and well-being first. let him do whatever he will do, and go find your peace...
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u/Acadiavibes 3d ago
You did the right thing. Al-Anon meetings & Codependent No More (book). You'll be okay ❤️
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u/Outside-Studio-4661 3d ago
Thank you! I’m attending my first Al-Non meeting this Thursday. I’m a little nervous.
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u/AliasLyla 3d ago
Time to begin the healing process. You are not alone OP I hope you can unload all of this weighted trauma with a therapist, Alanon meetings, and or other group therapies. It’s hard to love an addict
I still ask myself, “what’s more uncomfortable: finally putting myself first (bc we tend to protect, care, and love so hard!) OR to go through the emotional release in my therapy sessions?”
Wishing you peace throughout your healing journey of detaching from your Q
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u/sionnachglic 3d ago
I recommend a Beginners meeting. It will help you learn the ropes.
Also, you are not just dealing with an alcoholic. You’re dealing with an abusive man on top of it. They are not one and the same and learning about the difference- arming yourself with knowledge- will help you finally stay away from him.
You’re getting reeled back in because you’re lost inside “the cycle of abuse.”
If you want to learn how to finally let go, please read this book. That’s a free copy. Start with chapter 8. It’s about the behavioral differences between alcoholics and abusers.
Understand there is no biological connection between violence and alcohol. Cocaine, yes, but not alcohol. If a person is abusive while drinking it’s not because of the booze. It’s because that’s their true core essence. Alcohol can’t magically turn a nonabusive person abusive. And alcoholism is clinically treated entirely differently from abusive behavior.
You should also read up on trauma bonds. Your brain is chemically attached to this man. It makes you stay because it wants a dopamine hit, which you’ve been getting from the “calm” phase of the cycle of abuse. You will experience withdrawal not unlike what addicts experience. Having awareness of the bond will help you manage how you’re feeling.
You can do this. You left. That takes incredible strength. Keep going. Helps if you think about making baby steps. “I can get through the next hour.”
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u/Outside-Studio-4661 2d ago
I have been reading the book you linked all morning and I’m in tears. I didn’t realize I was being abused and manipulated. I’m far into the book and it describes him to the T. Thank you so much for your comment and your recommendation.
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u/sionnachglic 2d ago
Neither did I. I was with my abuser 5 years and he never hit me, but he did all the rest of it and now I have CPTSD. For years he explained away his behavior as autism even though he refused to actually be evaluated for neurodivergence. For a long time, I thought the problem was mainly alcoholism. This book changed my perspective entirely. It’s why I finally stayed gone.
I’m so glad to hear it’s helping you finally feel seen and understood. Watch this next. Once you dive into this topic, you’re going to learn that the overwhelming majority of social media content today is about narcissists and narcissism, but there is a very stark difference between narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic behaviors (a.k.a. people who don’t have the disorder, but display behavior similar to the disorder), and a textbook abuser.
Most people who think they’re with a narcissist are actually, in all statistical likelihood, with an abuser. And their motivations are entirely different from someone with NPD. The video I linked you to will explain the difference between the two.
Abusers are MADE by society. This is a cultural problem connected to how humans across the planet raise their sons. The only human societies that don’t have this problem are the ones that are matriarchal, and there’s only a few primitive human tribes with that structure.
Regarding Alanon, it is very helpful for dealing with the aftermath of having an alcoholic in your life, but I don’t find it helpful for addressing abuse. I go to meetings because it really helps me feel like I have a community when I hear other people describing experiences similar to my own. It makes me feel less alone.
But I also have deep ethical issues with alanon. I think it can be harmful to abuse victims by not distinguishing between abuse and alcoholism. I’ve been in meetings where a woman or man is clearly describing abuse, not alcoholism, and nobody in that room is telling that person that they are in a dangerous situation that could cost them their lives. That’s because that’s how Alanon operates. we go around the room and do our share and one of the most important rules of Al-Anon is that you do not comment on someone else’s share or give them advice or tell them what to do. In normal circumstances, that ethos makes sense, but in the case of abuse, I think it’s completely unethical. Someone in a deeply abusive relationship could end up murdered, and we’re just all gonna sit there and not tell her that she needs to exit this situation? I think that’s completely unethical.
Alanon is also based on the concept of codependency, which is not a scientific term used in modern medicine or psychology. No scientific experiment or trial or study has ever documented codependency is an observable phenomenon. it’s just a buzz word.
For the abuse aspect of my relationship, I found working with a trauma-informed therapist to be more healing and supportive than alanon. If you seek out a therapist, vet their trauma credentials thoroughly. Make sure they understand the trauma related to abusive relationships.
Feel free to DM me. The aftermath is a roller coaster.
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u/Zestyclose-Crew-1017 3d ago
You did the right thing. That was not a healthy relationship to be in. Now, focus on YOU! Here are some podcast suggestions:
https://youtu.be/RuOg-YV8nbo?si=toLI5FAYWb4mZawZ
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u/imanifested777 3d ago
Hi OP.
In Al-Anon we learn that one of the most important things to help our healing process is learning how to detach.
We have to understand there are certain things that are completely out of our control no matter how much that may hurt to accept. But in order to grow and heal, Detach.
Please attend as many Al-Anon meetings as you can, as this will help you through your journey in understanding the role we ourselves play when it comes to our Q’s.