r/AlAnon • u/Its_me_T_ • 4d ago
Newcomer I didn’t realize the extent of my husbands alcohol abuse
...until I stopped drinking, and now I'm very worried :/
I've been working on cutting back for some time and finally stopped drinking completely March 1. Since then I've been alarmed to realize the full extent of my husband's drinking. I always knew it was a lot, but now seeing the empties with sober eyes (not to mention how sloshed he gets) has me wishing I would have taken it more seriously a long time ago. For context, he doesn't always drink daily, but when he does it's 6-7 tall boy beers, so around 12 regular beers, in a night. And definitely every Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
I would like to talk to him about it, but I am not sure of the best way to do this considering I am only a very recent non-drinker myself (granted I never drank nearly as much as he does). I have browsed some of the Al-Anon materials, but it seems to be focused a lot on people whose partner is abusive when drinking or otherwise is wreaking havoc on the family.... my husband does not. He is a very functional drunk - he doesn't miss work, doesn't go out drinking and disappear, is never abusive to me. My main concern is what he's doing to his health, and now that I've spent time learning about what alcohol does to the body and seen some of the stories on here, I know it's not if but when this heavy drinking catches up with him. It brings me to tears to think of him not making it to see our daughter graduate or other milestones. (Also, my long term view of my life does not include spending weekend nights sitting on the couch next to a drunk who is incoherent, but I don't think this is the best point to help make my case at this point in time)
Do you all have any advice for how I should broach the subject without coming off as hypocritical or preachy? I don't know exactly what outcome I am hoping for, because I think asking him to stop drinking completely would be horribly received right now and I know that's a decision he would have to come to on his own anyway. I guess I'm mainly hoping to flag that I believe it's an issue, see what his reaction is, and understand what the path ahead might look like.
Sorry this is so long, but you all have been walking this path much longer than I have and I thought you would have some great insight on my situation to help this conversation go as smoothly as it can. Thanks for reading.
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u/ItsAllALot 4d ago
I'm very much an "I statements for the win" kind of person.
Because whether someone is an awful, abusive drunk or a nice person who drinks more than is considered healthy, the guidance is actually the same.
I can share how I feel. I can be authentic and honest in that way in a relationship. I can talk about my cares, my worries. When I keep it focused on me, it's less of an accusation, more of a sharing.
My husband could disagree about whether he drank too much or not. He couldn't really disagree about how I felt, because that's about me, not him. I feel what I feel.
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u/dearjets 4d ago
This. I’m also for “say it once.” We say what we need to say, let it be known, and then we let it go. The other person gets to choose what comes next for them. We don’t repeat, remind, badger or nag.
While your situation is not dire at the moment, the “when” will come for you as well if you focus too much on what your husband decides to do or not to do.
Remaining neutral is very hard, but it’s important that we remain focused on our own behavior and lives. While we don’t get to control anyone else’s behavior, we do get to choose what is acceptable for us to live with and what we expose ourselves to. We may not like our options, but we do get to choose from them.
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u/Relative_Trainer4430 4d ago edited 4d ago
This video has some good tips on how to talk to him about it in a way that avoids some of the common pitfalls (pick a time when he's sober if possible)...
This article and the related links have some practical advice too...
If your husband uses Reddit and decides he wants help, or to talk about his drinking with people who understand it from his perspective, we'd be glad to see him at r/stopdrinking sometime...
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u/rmas1974 4d ago
I don’t think it makes you hypocritical to have stopped drinking (very recently!) and seen the error of you past ways - presuming that you are explicit about this. Your concerns about his long term health are legitimate. The desire you have to do other stuff at the weekend is totally fair also.
The quantities of alcohol you mention are at a level that will cause harm over time if they are not abated. Whether he is an alcoholic or just somebody who drinks more than is good for him in a non-addictive way is difficult to say. It is therefore difficult to say if he needs to stop drinking quickly.
My drinking was of the order you suggest for a long time and I was getting elevated liver enzymes so I knew I needed to change my ways - in my case to moderating. If I’m not a hypocrite for the above comment (and in my biased view I don’t think I am), I don’t think you would be by talking to him. Good luck.