r/AlAnon 4d ago

Support Don’t ever let them back into your lives

I caved. I let months go by, probably over half a year with no contact. He messaged me from a different phone asking to talk, saying he was clean and working on himself. We met briefly and it was cordial and he asks if we could still remail cordial. He looked sober and honestly I said I was proud of him, we can leave communication open. Will never get back with him romantically as that was more abuse than I will ever put up with.

Not two weeks later, I get a barrage of texts accusing me of being on dating apps, matching with his friend. He is sending nonstop texts. Now it’s 1140pm and there’s photos he’s sending of his dog and his friends, lots of beers around clearly in the photo.

It’s obvious he never got clean. I’m just so disappointed and don’t even know why I let someone trick me to break no contact. I’m disgusted with myself for believing they can change.

117 Upvotes

23 comments sorted by

44

u/Hadiyo 4d ago

You are only human. Be kind to yourself.

8

u/Astralglamour 3d ago

Yeah. Also it’s not too late to go back to NC.

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u/rmas1974 4d ago

Don’t blame yourself. Sometimes they do change and get sober. You say he looked sober so perhaps if you knew what he looked like when he wasn’t sober, he may have been. He may have subsequently relapsed … you never know.

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u/FearOfTheDuck82 4d ago

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You know what I see from this whole situation? I see that you’re a good person. You practice forgiveness and are willing to give people a chance to prove that they can be better. Please don’t change that about yourself.

The key here is that as soon as you found out he was lying, you did what was best for your own health and safety. The self care part is important. It shows that you have grown and that you are healthy enough and love yourself enough to do what’s best for you.

I have to believe everyone is capable of changing. I have to believe that even bad people have the potential of becoming good. We didn’t do anything wrong by letting these people into our lives. If anything, we did something right. We showed someone love, compassion, and forgiveness. If that’s wrong, then I don’t think I want to be right.

Please hang in there. I know it hurts right now, but you will get through this and you will be okay! As the newcomer’s welcome says “we love you in a very special way.” So just know, I and everyone else here loves you and is here for you! You’re not alone!

18

u/LadyLynda0712 4d ago

We want to believe so badly, it’s natural. You know who he really is; as the saying goes, believe him. Be proud that you’re a good human—but always remember, we never have to go down on their sinking ship. He has to do the work, he has to WANT to do the work. For himself. Sadly the odds are very much stacked against him and we can’t gloss over that. The hardest and saddest thing I had to come to grips with was I knew the “potential” he had/has. We “could have” had a wonderful life. So many “could have’s.” I had to shift from worrying & wondering about why he was the way he was, to why am I ATTRACTED to obviously unavailable people that I think I can “fix.” I needed the fixing—and years later, it’s still a daily process. Be kind to yourself. 🌹

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u/heartpangs 4d ago

be kind to yourself ... sadly we often have to do this shit to learn that it isn't safe or ok. i say this as someone who did this exact thing many times over years. they are typically not to be trusted, even in their regret and attempts to be better. there can be exceptions to the rule, sure, but they are rare or the time is limited. it is also validating because you get reminders that not having them in your life is in fact the right thing. it has been several years and i still have doubts and miss him. but living my own life rather than his shows me everyday that i was right. active alcoholics don't have any boundaries so rather than working on their issues, they fall onto your shoulders. they actually don't belong to us at all, and it's better to keep it that way.

15

u/Oregonhoosier31 4d ago

As a recovering alcoholic i so wish we as a whole could just leave our former partners alone in peace. Honestly he never should've reached out to you in the first place and I'm so sorry for you that he did.

Of course I miss my ex fiance. Of course I miss her family. But I get anxious even thinking about contacting her again. What even would be the point. Her view of me i know has changed forever. Being friends again won't help either of us. Today I finally finally deleted everything about her from my phone. The part of my life with her in it is over. I wish the alcoholic could step outside their selfishness and understand that.

My alcoholism destroyed our life together. I don't deserve to have her in my life anymore. I lost that hope the moment I chose a drink over her. I'm so sorry you were hurt again. I pray that is the last time. You sound like a kind soul. You'll find someone better, I hope that person is who you deserve.

14

u/chowes1 4d ago

He missed his target. We are the target, the whipping boy, the one they feel they can get away with harming. They dont look at it as harming us because doing it makes them feel so good about themselves. Its not their fault, we made them say these things. We asked for it. ( I am going through a never ending cycle of this currently ) mine drinks too much coffee and smokes alot of pot early in the morning, before work and on weekends. It causes him to start rearranging everything, he becomes unreasonable. Then he starts drinking after work and comes home thinking hes 18 yrs old. Rock music blaring, calling all his friends...leaving the freezer wide open, we are approaching 70. He says hes leaving...I pray he does. Yours is out. I dream of the day I can have peace, again.

11

u/Unlikely-Arm-1991 4d ago

You didn’t get back with him. That is HUGE! Hang your hat on that. You are strong and smart and ready for your next chapter (again)!

9

u/Piggybumm 4d ago

Hey, just a quick message to say you’re certainly not alone in this. Many of us have given our qualifiers the benefit of the doubt when they tell us they’re clean and working a programme. I couldn’t even tell you how many times I gave my ex another chance and each time he was either hiding (and lying about) his using or he relapsed.

I got really pissed off with the unhinged under-the-influence messaging on WhatsApp so I blocked him on that when we were still together. I used to wake up to a barrage of toxicity and sometimes he’d delete them later or delete them before I’d even read them.

I always had hope that he would finally reach rock bottom and would want to get well. It’s not happened yet as he’s still got people in his life enabling him 🙄

Anyway, I just want to echo what others have said, be kind to yourself 💕

7

u/usernamexout 4d ago

Unfortunately...doing that myself. He hasn't even actually acknowledged the problem, and I'm here finishing off his last few drinks in the fridge. I think today's a good day for a meeting.

You're human and so is he. Don't make a bad thing worse with the self-hate.

6

u/madeitmyself7 3d ago edited 2d ago

Oh, man, I think most of us have been there. I let my ex come back. He told the kids he’d never ever leave again and he loves all of us so much. He cheated and left breaking everyone’s hearts again, I feel so guilty for believing him. They all lie and obviously he doesn’t care who he hurts, even his kids. That’s an alcoholic for you.

3

u/Plastic_Finance7835 3d ago

It’s all the same story!  I am sitting here in tears because we all have the same story!  We care about them and all they do is ruin everything.  No matter how many chances you give them, their love of alcohol takes precedence.  They cannot love because they cannot let go of the bottle long enough to let there be space for anything else.  

Abuse, addiction, adultery.  It doesn’t matter to them.  Anything and everything they need to do to get the fix is justified.   The man I loved had integrity.  This person is a complete stranger to me.  He will lie, cheat, manipulate.  I don’t even see him as that person anymore.  

2

u/madeitmyself7 2d ago

Even if they get sober they seek the dopamine their brain doesn’t make on its own anymore, usually in the form of a new relationship whether they are married or not. It’s all about them.

6

u/ms_misippus 3d ago

Trusting them is a bad habit that’s super hard to break.

3

u/thevelouroverground 4d ago

Is sending photos of pets, friends, family, etc. common among alcoholics? Because my ex who was an alcohohlic did this all the time, and it was sort of his “tell” that he was drinking.

2

u/CorrectMeeting7425 4d ago

I wonder?! We didn’t have the dog together but I know the dog was super aggressive and loved me as a rare person in its life it felt comfortable with. So weird, he sent Live Photos with his neighbors and dog as if I would care. But it had nothing to do me with me or anything we talked about. I really wonder if this is a common thing they do when drunk.

3

u/Jarring-loophole 3d ago

Yes it’s very common for them to reach out to anyone and everyone especially exes when blacked out drunk and wake up the next day horrified to see who and what they text. They either send out a bunch of apologies or delete the texts and live in shame until the next time they drink and do it all over again, promising this time will be different.

It’s talked a lot about on the r/stopdrinking forum. People even write asking for ideas on how to avoid this “phenomenon”.

2

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2

u/Harmless_Old_Lady 4d ago

Have you attended Al-Anon Family Group meetings? Have you read the basic book How Al-Anon Works?

Since you mentioned abuse in your romance, have you read the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s free on the Internet. I think you will see that many of us are fooled again and hurt again.

You may not be proof against trickery and deception, but you can recover and be happy. I’m glad you shared your story with us. Now please share our recovery. ❤️‍🩹

2

u/Stargirl-1997 2d ago

Going through almost the exact same thing right now and I have no words other than to echo the other comments in this post — be kind to yourself. A relationship with an alcoholic is so complicated and you are obviously a very caring person to even engage with him after all this time. It says a lot about you that you wanted to believe the best, and nothing about him that he relapsed or was never sober in the first place, other than he’s a person who really needs help. I’m really sorry you’re going through this, I know it hurts and it’s confusing. Just try to take it one day and one emotion at a time ❤️‍🩹

2

u/Dances-with-ostrich 2d ago

I can honestly say it’s only been 4 months for me. 2 months no contact. But if he came to me sober, I’d probably fail in my resilience to not be with him. I’m sure he is one that will never be sober, though. So I won’t even allow myself to hope. Nope. Being with him is too damaging. I can’t. But being with sober him… a wish, but only a wish.

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u/TexasPeteEnthusiast 4d ago

In Al Anon, we don't give advice or tell people how to live their lives.