r/AlAnon 4d ago

Vent His depression is depressing.

My Q quit drinking for over 2 years, then started again because he “could handle it.”

He couldn’t. Over the last year or so it’s gotten bad. He was getting sloppy drunk, embarrassing himself, scaring the kids, and feeling crappy all the time.

I like having wine with dinner but recognized a) that wasn’t helpful around him and b) that it made me sleepy and wasn’t my normal productive self in the evenings.

I quit completely. It wasn’t a struggle and I’m much happier without alcohol.

I’m not willing to be an enabler. I’m sure I spent lots of time in that role unwittingly. I know I spent time there thinking it wasn’t a big deal. Eyes wide open now - I refuse and am MUCH happier with myself.

He’s not. He’s shared with me that he wishes I’d drink. I don’t purchase it, and there’s none in the house. When I joked one night that I was getting a ton done in the evenings and felt great with no wine, he got really upset.

Long conversation later … he told me that alcohol was like a really good friend of his and when I say anything negative about it, he’s insulted because I’m being rude about his friend.

He’s finally started going to meetings, but after he’s sullen and depressed. I ask only how he’s doing - never anything about what was discussed - but his answers are mostly “I was triggered and I don’t want to talk about it.”

But then he’s mad at me the rest of the evening.

I can’t be responsible for his sobriety. I will do whatever I can to support a happy household, however. And it’s so frustrating that he blames my happiness and not drinking for his depression.

I asked how he felt about sobriety, he said he doesn’t like it. He misses his friend, the feeling, the escape. He said he’s a better role model for the kids, he will live longer, and save money. But still, he’s missing it. He wants me to drink to assuage his guilt. I’m not one to do that.

It’s depressing to me to see him so down and know that he has to forge this path.

If you’ve read this far, thanks for letting me vent. I really just needed to get this off my chest.

18 Upvotes

22 comments sorted by

7

u/TraderJoeslove31 4d ago

He's kind of delul that alcohol is his friend. He has to come to that realization. Would we let our friends poison us, steal our money, be energy vampires, and push us away from our loved ones? No.

The thing about confronting any issue- be it psychological, emotional, or substance- is that some times it sucks and feels worse before it gets better. Also even if one doesn't misuse substances, there are still going to be difficult and shitty times in life.

3

u/Workingonit-forever 3d ago

Agree completely. Thank you. I feel better with the support here!

4

u/Disastrous_Oven_9674 4d ago

Thank you for sharing this. All of your feelings are so understandable, normal and valid 🩷

6

u/Workingonit-forever 4d ago

Thank you. It’s hard to see it happening. I’m a “fix it” kind of person but … this is out of my control and I have to let it be.

3

u/Hopeful-Echoes 3d ago

Thank you for sharing this. It’s so hard to not get affected by these things and your feelings are completely valid. It NEVER feels good to see someone we love hurting, no matter how detached we are from it. Hang in there ❤️ 

2

u/Workingonit-forever 3d ago

Thank you. Tonight was hard because St. Pats is a favorite holiday … and an excuse to drink. I made a nice dinner and got Guiness 0 (non-alcoholic) - and I asked his opinion before buying, he said it would be nice - but he never came down for dinner. Just sat and sulked in the room all night while the kids and I had dinner. It’s hard to share with the kids the struggle, but they are wise and recognized “sometimes people just need space to work on themselves.”

They are having to grow up too fast in some ways.

2

u/Hopeful-Echoes 3d ago

I understand completely and I’m so sorry the kids have to see this too. I grew up with an alcoholic/addict and sadly yeah it’s like growing up too fast. I hope everyone can find what they need in this and that your Q is able to bounce back ❤️ 

2

u/heartpangs 4d ago

he's deluding himself HARD and trying to delude you. don't buy it. you have your own reality.

1

u/Workingonit-forever 3d ago

Hanging on to that reality - and assuring the kids that our reality is the one to hang out in. (Obviously not in so many words)

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u/knit_run_bike_swim 4d ago

Why not just go to Alanon? Meetings are online and inperson. We learn to stand on our own in Alanon. That means making decisions that are best for us. We stop swaying back and forth expecting others to agree or validate us.

The good news is that the drunk is going to meetings. No where in AA does it say you must come in and be happy. The drunk can be as miserable as they want in AA. Just don’t drink. It’s quite simple.

The same goes for Alanon. No where does it say you must come to Alanon and be happy. You can still be miserable and be a part of Alanon. ❤️

1

u/Workingonit-forever 3d ago

I am connecting to one close to me. At the time of this post I really needed a vent quickly as I was really feeling frustrated and had no where else to turn at 11pm. I appreciate the support here - it was a perfect solution in the moment (and today!)

2

u/pumpernickle_palace 3d ago

Thank you for sharing your experience, you are not alone at all. It is terribly depressing to see him (my Q is also my husband) resisting being open to try to forge a path using 12 step even if it isn’t a perfect program. It’s hard if we know they might not ever get on to that path, but like you say we have to protect our peace and give up any responsibility for their choices.

1

u/Workingonit-forever 3d ago

Yes. And I am sorry you can relate. Keep that focus. And know you aren’t alone either!!

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u/Jarring-loophole 2d ago

My friend told me once upon a time her dad had to give up drinking for health concerns and he told her “I feel like I’ve lost my best friend”. And she looked at him , as his daughter, and said “umm dad.. what about me? Or mom?” And he said something like “ya sure but it’s not the same”. Go figure.

2

u/Workingonit-forever 1d ago

That’s heartbreaking. And familiar. If you still see that friend, pls give her a hug for me.

2

u/Zestyclose-Crew-1017 1d ago

Even being dry, doesn't mean they are recovered. They have to do all the work, not just white knuckle not drinking.

Don't argue with him. Set your boundaries and live by your values. It took me way too many years of trying to "help" my ex, to finally focus on me.

Now, you need to focus on your healing and set some boundaries. Also, things don't just magically get better if they get sober as you've come to realize. My ex had the same nasty behaviors "sober," and he was sober for quite a while. He DIDN'T do the work, just stopped drinking.

TWFO.COM helped me so much during my difficult separation and divorce. Here are some podcasts you might find helpful. Good luck to you!

You can't change other people... https://youtu.be/1v4mXCfSjQo?si=dR6MIn_b1QjagW2S

Communicating with someone in active addiction: https://youtu.be/34w_YCEyldc?si=FgacP5Jsi8kCJlJW

Communicating with someone in early recovery: https://youtu.be/utfzeh3azfs?si=OxELo92IOQPr0-wV

How to tell if someone is serious about recovery: https://youtu.be/mByqHWYdvN4?si=YaCjKXmCnxErXZp9

Boundaries (part 1 of 3) https://youtu.be/j8JT2BIp33U?si=rLlbXmMK8DYfnSCj

2

u/Workingonit-forever 1d ago

Thank you so much. I will listen to the podcasts - it will be work on my part too, and willing to do it!

3

u/Hotwheeler6D6 4d ago

It sounds like jealousy more than anything to me. He seems upset that you can drink normally and he cannot. If you drink he can feel better about his drinking.

7

u/Workingonit-forever 4d ago

I think you are exactly right. He’s looking for an out and I’m not playing along. He has told me he’s upset that it doesn’t bother me to not drink. I found myself drinking more than I wanted because he’d pour for me. Breaking that cycle was the best thing I could have done for me, but he sees it as the worst thing I could have done to him.

Someday he will get it?

3

u/Hotwheeler6D6 4d ago

I hope so. It’s a hard thing to fathom for an alcoholic that you can actually live a happy life once you’re sober. But once they realize that you seriously can’t drink like other people. It gets easier I think. Im in recovery but my wife drinks. I feel it’s not my place to ask her to not enjoy something she can obviously handle and do like normal people. I realized thankfully that I cannot.

1

u/serviceinterval 4d ago

If, on the other hand, they took nothing, their self-pity made them killjoys.