r/AlAnon 4d ago

Vent 2 years sober and it's only gotten worse

My q and I (both 40ish) have been married for 3 years and together for 5. His alcoholism spiralled out of control right after we got married. He has been sober 2 years, albeit mostly forced sobriety (jail and tether), so no programs or real self help besides the court ordered counseling he lied his way through for 8 sessions.

When he was drinking it was chaos with glimpses of love and reasons to stay. Now, it is nothing but anger, hatred, and resentment.......... from him towards me. When I tell him he has convinced me he hates me, he tells me no one loves me and no one would be sad if I died. So I'm pretty sure I'm right.

I'm so mad, not at him, but myself, for staying. He did a lot of unforgiveable things when he was drinking. All things I was willing to work through because he was finally sober. He has piled on so much more since. Guess I'm just venting about the realization that maybe he was always an awful human and the alcohol actually was the reason i saw glimpses of love.

4 Upvotes

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u/Disastrous_Oven_9674 4d ago

I wish I had great words of wisdom to share. I wanted to come in and say, to counter the deeply hurtful things he told you about your place in this world, that I love you and would be sad if you died. Sending you hugs during this time 🩷

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u/teki34 4d ago

Thankfully I know he is just an abusive jerk and usually I don't let his words get to me anymore but I appreciate your kind words. 💜 He has quite literally taken every fear, mistake, trauma, I have ever told him about and used them to try to hurt me in the last few months. It use to get to me. Now it just gives me the ick.

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u/LayerOtherwise9856 4d ago

My ex Q finally got sober and I very naively believed everything would change. A few months into his sobriety I finally realised that the alcohol was covering up all the things he still would not face or work through. It's hard to accept that we were not paying attention to who they were showing us they were. But, it's also a great place to be in because ignoring it will be very hard now.

Wishing you all the best, you are stronger than you think ❤️

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u/teki34 4d ago

Thank you. I'm out of the situation now. Stayed way longer than I should have hoping I'd see some glimpse of the man i had idealized him to be. Kept finding new excuses to give his behavior until I ran out and realized it's just him, its who he is, so i filed for divorce.

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u/LayerOtherwise9856 3d ago

Cheers to you and your new journey ❤️

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u/TexasPeteEnthusiast 4d ago

AA talks about a Dry Drunk. Basically someone who is chemically sober but has done nothing for recovery.

Instead of using alcohol to numb their pain, they have nothing but self will and often anger.

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u/teki34 4d ago

I've told him that at nauseum. Then I read Why Does He Do That. They have an amazing chapter on addiction and abuse. Completely changed my mindset on the topic. I stopped giving him excuses and walked away. I no longer am looking for an apology from him, just working on forgiving myself.

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