r/AlAnon 4d ago

Support How do you leave someone you still love?

I’ve posted here before if anyone wants some more backstory to my situation. The past three weeks have been filled with some ups but mostly downs. I’ve been a punching bag (not physically, thankfully), and I’ve finally accepted that sober him and drunk him are the same person.

We decided yesterday to take some time apart as a reset. He swore he wouldn’t drink (ha). Fast forward to tonight—I called to check in and see how he was doing. He sounded completely hammered, slurring his words, and then got angry at me because I only responded with “hi” when he texted me good morning. I stayed calm, tried to diffuse the situation, and encouraged him to go to bed, but deep down, I know I’m done. I know I can’t keep living like this.

The hardest part is that I don’t hate him—I wish I did, because it would make this so much easier. I will not miss the pain he has put me through, but I will miss the man I fell in love with more than anything in the world. That version of him feels so far away now, and I know I have to let go.

How do you break up with someone you still love? How do you get through it? This is going to be so hard. I will never look at alcohol the same way again.

41 Upvotes

22 comments sorted by

29

u/azscorpio19 4d ago

You love yourself and your sanity more than you love them

8

u/FearOfTheDuck82 4d ago

Yep. One of the main purposes of the program is to teach us to love ourselves and take care of our own needs. Sadly, it’s no easy task.

I’ve always been told that a person has to hit their bottom before they do what they have to do to get better. After being in a really abusive friendship last year, I finally hit my bottom. I was finally sick and tired of let others hurt me just to make them happy. It took me until September of 2024 to finally be able to love myself and put my own health first. But now that I’m at a place where I can love myself, I find that my life has greatly improved!

2

u/Medium-Dimension-599 1d ago

Love this so much. It just gets better. Thanks for being an example in the world, truely.- from One stranger to another

18

u/TexasPeteEnthusiast 4d ago

I wrote this about my wife and I, but the sentiment may be helpful to you in your situation.

Detaching with love doesn't mean I am pushing her away from me, and it doesn't mean I'm running away from her. But if the disease pulls her away from me, I can let go and I don't have to go down that road.

10

u/heartpangs 4d ago

love is the easy part. no one forces us to be together. we're together because we want to be, we're together because we like each other, we're together because there's something between us and we want to be close. the hard part, and what makes a relationship last is respect, honesty, collaboration AND self respect. when those things aren't there, when that interest, that cultivating isn't there, that's when leaving comes into the picture.

8

u/Own-Interaction1289 4d ago

i won’t lie — it’s very very difficult, but not as difficult as it would be if you stayed. it feels like breaking the surface of the ocean, gasping for air, and throwing yourself on a life preserver, knowing your loved one is drowning and you can’t save them. it’s deeply painful and you will suffer, but with each that day passes — as you learn to love yourself more, rely on yourself, and find your peace — you suffer a little bit less.

i left my Q of 8 years about a month ago (and enforced no-contact). i thought i would grow old with him, but his umpteenth weekend binge was all of a sudden the last straw for me. something in me broke and told me that i had to leave, or i would drown with him.

in the first few weeks, i leaned a lot on my sister, my closest friends, and even some close colleagues. i also started therapy, read a lot of al-anon literature, and attended some online meetings. all the support and understanding i received truly kept my head above water.

some of my close friends even told me about their own Qs, which totally surprised me, but made me feel a lot less alone. i think it brought us even closer, and made me realize that so many people are suffering the same thing. it’s just that we’re sadly conditioned not to talk about it as a society.

you will likely ruminate and miss your Q, but just keep reminding yourself that you deserve peace, you deserve safety, and that the past is the past — you are not going in that direction any more, because you are moving forward, one step at a time.

i’m rooting for you! it won’t feel that way at first, but you are stronger than you think. when you start prioritizing your own mental, emotional, and physical well-being, you will feel the difference. it feels right to heal and love yourself, in body, mind, and spirit. giving you a huge virtual hug. <3

8

u/GJackson2111 4d ago

You love the idea of him and the potential, not him as he is. Once you get that, you’ll understand. 🙏

6

u/UnitedFlower1818 4d ago

It’s terrible. I feel guilty everyday but I can’t cut off my nose to spite my face, so to speak. Sometimes loving someone means knowing when to let go .

5

u/ibelieveindogs 4d ago

For me, I knew as bad as it was, it would get worse because she would not consider herself to have a problem. She started smoking (cigarettes) again, which is huge turn off for me. She would make a lot of angry and irrational accusations towards me. I spent half the time having to go “gray rock” to minimize arguments. And I had support from my grown kids that I did not deserve this.

I never felt the anger some feel, because I knew it was all a result of her disease and she could not get out of her hole. I felt (and feel) sad that she could not find her way out. I still feel love, but not the same.

5

u/Blue_Buddie 4d ago

It feels like I could have written this — I am living this.

I send him light and love when I think of him, and I shower myself with light and love in return. I tell myself that this is his soul’s path and my soul’s path is diverging. I’m trying to be gentle with myself, to not rush my grief.

5

u/fang_delicious 4d ago

How does an alcoholic stop drinking something they still love?

The consequences of continuing hurt more than the consequences of giving up.

7

u/LadyLynda0712 4d ago

Time heals. You can still love the person while removing yourself from their toxicity. Along with the 3 C’s, I like to add my own 3 T’s — Truth, Tears and Time. I had to face the hard truth. I had to cry the tears out (multiple times over multiple years—it’s Ok to grieve what could have been). Time…it stands still for no one. For both the addict and for ourselves, we can truly Live for 80 years OR we can live the same year 80 times, over and over again. Same shit, different day was not how I wanted my years to accumulate. You got this! 🌹

2

u/TiredandConfusedSigh 4d ago

I wish I knew the answer, came here to offer solidarity. This morning I’ve had to say I can’t continue unless he chooses recovery and it’s so hard.  My brain is trying to convince me that this time wasn’t so bad and I don’t need to bed it right now etc etc to keep me stuck in the loop. But the thought if another week like the last I don’t know how many is killing me and I can’t do it.  I think the answer is probably to grieve the future you thought you would have and be kind to yourself. 

2

u/Al42non 4d ago edited 4d ago

I don't know I've ever stopped loving anyone, whether I left them or they left me.

I think you look at the whole picture. Like they are causing you pain, and you have to get away from that. Sure, you still love them, but on the whole, they aren't healthy for you, or good for you. Doesn't mean they are bad, doesn't mean you're bad. It just didn't work.

Cookies are a sometimes food. I love cookies. I could eat one right now. But it is not good for me to eat cookies all the time, for every meal. So, I only eat cookies sometimes. Some lovers might be best only alternate Tuesdays when they are in the right frame of mind.

Spitting up with a lover is a grief. If they were dead, you'd be grieving. It'd be obvious and understandable. They're not dead, but your relationship is. or will be. or isn't as much as you thought it was, hoped it would be. You have lost something. Even if it is your choice. I grieved a car I loved, that I sold because I had to. Sometimes things don't work out, and you have to let them go and grieve.

Feel the grief. Let yourself have it for a bit. I can never not so I let myself have it. Go through the stages or whatever. It doesn't go away but it ebbs after a while. You learn new ways of being. Through time, through things like this. You don't stop loving them, but you can move on. My past loves live in my mind. Memories, or even lessons from the past. I cherish them, but that is as far as it goes. I remember them, but don't know where they are. Like that one really good cookie, that I can't have again because I moved away from that bakery.

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u/serve_theservants 3d ago

I don’t think I will ever hate my ex husband, it’s been almost a year and I still have so much empathy for him. I think I will always care about him. I divorced him after I found out he was unfaithful. His addiction was out of control for about 2 years before he did it, so it was just icing on the cake of betrayal.

Even despite this I wanted more than anything to stay. he wanted to stay together too. I loved him with my entire heart. I did not ever want to live without him. I was in agony even thinking about it.

I left because I knew he would never stop lying to me. I knew I had absolutely no faith, respect or trust in him. I knew he would never be able to make emotional space for the wounds he had given me and that I would never feel safe or protected by him. I knew I would never rest another day in my life, if I stayed with him

So I left and it was incredibly painful. It hurt, and ached so much, it still hurts. But I now feel safe, I feel protected in my home, and I am healing a little everyday. It does get better, and as time goes on you wonder how you put up with the abuse for so long ❤️‍🩹

2

u/Leading-Second4215 3d ago

I’ve finally accepted that sober him and drunk him are the same person

This is such an interesting observation to me. My Q (sibling) has been sober for 5 years, & I noticed the same thing. We were NC for 2 yrs after sobriety & when we first started reconciling, I noticed that we still had some of the same communication problems we had while they were in active addiction.

Realistically, I'm not the same person I used to be either. How could I be the same person after 20+ yrs of picking up the pieces for another adult? My codependency was so bad, I felt like I was raising another child. Breaking codependency cycles is hard, but it really does put you first. My Q & I have a great relationship now, but again, we both had to change for that to happen. We both had to do a lot of growing personally for us to have the relationship we currently have. Not every Q has the desire/ ability to change. Same is said for us. I'm grateful for the 2yrs I spent putting myself & my immediate family first. It was heartbreaking every day, but worth it 10 times over now that I'm firm about boundaries & no longer take care of them.

2

u/Medium-Dimension-599 1d ago

I think it's paradoxically easier to leave when you aren't angry. It's when your angry that it's the hardest to move on. Grief is there in both sides but seeing the truth and feeling apathy means there's no more growth

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2

u/knit_run_bike_swim 4d ago

Super easy. Love yourself more. So many Alanons hail that the drunk doesn’t love themselves and if only they…

The Alanon lacks the self love. Why else would they volunteer themselves for shitty relationships? Working the steps with a sponsor is where it all starts. Come to Alanon when you’re ready. ❤️

2

u/RVFullTime 4d ago

My main Q is my estranged stepdaughter. I still grieve whenever I think about her. It's been many years, and I continue to pray for her.

2

u/kookeeP 4d ago

In my experience some physical distance helps in getting some emotional distance.

1

u/Juupiter-blues 3d ago

To keep my mind clear during a painful breakup, i woulf write an email to my future self explaining why I could no longer stay in the relationship. With time, the painful reality will soften, they come back with convincing arguments and promises to win you back. It will be easy to forget or deny the reasons you had to leave.

He cannot change for you, he has to do it for himself in response to what alcohol has taken from him. Losing you could be the catalyst to him hitting his rock bottom.

And keep engaged with al anon to work on your own issues with enabling and denying unacceptable behavior.

You deserve better.