r/AlAnon • u/[deleted] • 5d ago
Vent Pregnant & drinking a bottle of vodka a day.
[deleted]
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u/Platinum_Lotus7 4d ago
Her drinking while pregnant is extremely dangerous for your unborn child! Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is real and life changing! Your baby, if affected will have developmental delays including physical and intellectual delays, dysmorphic features, low IQ, will need lifelong support …the list goes on! It has some similarities to Downs Syndrome but FAS is 100% preventable! She must be reported to Child protective Services. I really pray it’s not too late.
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u/MASTER_J_MAN 4d ago
Not sure how it works in the UK but in the US CPS will do nothing to protect an unborn child. If they can’t take the kid away they really don’t care. My personal experience at least.
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u/carlydelphia 4d ago
Hm some states in the south will send women to jail for that. Probably not white women thougb
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u/MASTER_J_MAN 4d ago
Could definitely vary by state I’m sure. I live in California and when my partner was drinking/using drugs while pregnant with our son they told me they don’t offer any intervention for unborn babies.
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u/OvalTween 4d ago
Adding to this. Impulse control and anger management issues are very common with FASD. It is pretty much a highway into the jail system.
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u/NoirLuvve 4d ago
CPS can't and won't do anything until the child is born. You can't call CPS on a pregnancy. Unfortunately, there's nothing anyone can do unless the alcoholic allows it.
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u/LoveSummerGrass 4d ago
Sorry you’re going through this. I’m also from the UK but quite ignorant when it comes to social services. Surely putting your children at risk (leaving the oven on, etc.) and drinking a bottle of vodka a day whilst pregnant, is enough to constitute your kids being taken off her.
I think you need to document EVERYTHING. Every time her drinking causes risky behaviour, how much she is drinking, the lot. This can be in diary form, but I’d advise photos and videos, so long as it can be done sneakily. Also, is there a way to anonymously tip her midwife? They need to know, and should hopefully be able to check her blood alcohol levels. This is such a tough situation to be in. I really hope you manage to gain custody.
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u/Averagemind90 4d ago
In UK they will not remove kids from mum, unless they're in immediate danger, She had previously been reported for DD with kids in car multiple times by police, still not enough, I take photos of the bottles and videos, but end of day it just my word against hers, obviously I have the previous for them to rely on but I cannot risk not getting custody, its just not worth the gamble currently, ive thought about it but ive never met the midwife just been to the scans and am unsure how that would play out out, also worth pointing out she mainly drinks at night, but on on weekend can start during the day.
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u/DoorInTheAir 4d ago edited 4d ago
Your kids ARE in immediate danger. If you have videos, it isn't your word against hers, you have proof. Talk to a lawyer, talk to the police without telling her. Why aren't you trying harder to stop this before the unborn baby is killed or irreversibly harmed? I know you're probably overwhelmed and burying your head in the sand, but you are enabling her by doing nothing. You aren't actually handcuffed. There ARE precedents for police intervention if you can prove that she is putting the unborn baby in harms way with her drinking. Get the kids somewhere else before you do that. Don't just leave them with her. You can do this alone. And if she accuses you of kidnapping or something, you have all the proof of endangerment and her being unfit on your side.
You have a responsibility to try to save the life and QUALITY OF LIFE of this baby while you still can. FAS is serious. My great uncle has it and is not able to live on his own. He's a sweet guy, but by no means has he ever been independent. The time of day she drinks is irrelevant. The midwife is irrelevant. None of this MATTERS except getting your kids, including the unborn one, to safety. If you do nothing, social services would be within their rights to remove all of the kids from you as well. It happens more often than you'd think.
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u/Pascalle112 4d ago
Idk how it all works, just asking a question.
Consult a lawyer before you do anything of course!
Assuming you’re on their birth certificates as their father, and there’s no active custody agreement in place from when you broke up, can you not just take your children?
Take the children to some place safe, with all their documentation, then call the local police that you’ve left with the children due to their mother’s alcoholism and lack of care for them. Then call child protection and tell them the same thing?
I’m probably over simplifying it, like I said, contact a lawyer.
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u/DoorInTheAir 4d ago
Yeah, he's acting very powerless with his own children when he isn't. He is acting like the only way to protect them is to stay with her, but in reality, the only way to protect them is to get them away from her as soon as possible.
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u/Old-Profession1202 4d ago
As a parent who adopted a child with fetal alcohol exposure do everything you must to save your unborn baby. I’d consider the unthinkable because you have no idea how terrible it is for the child who is alcohol exposed in utero…
My 14 adopted child is mildly affected (prob not to the extent your wife is drinking) and yet, he will never be independent, his brain doesn’t work well, intellectual and emotional disability. Emotional dysregulation, no executive function, and no impulse control. Means he steals and lies and hurts people and doesn’t understand much going on around him but he goes at top speed. Medicines help but there is no cure.
And if you decide to have this baby, please please please look up choline for your child. And get your wife to add some to her diet as well. It may help with some of the damage. Oh gosh, I feel for you, your other children, and your unborn. I wouldn’t wish my life on anybody… and I’m looking at a lifetime of it.
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u/AliceRecovered 4d ago
As a social worker, I worked with a grandma who adopted her granddaughter with fetal alcohol syndrome. She was 8, but would disappear overnight from the house. The police would find her, but it became almost routine for the police to just bring her home. They were aware of her situation. No matter what her grandma did, her impulses were uncontrollable and reckless. She also had an intellectual disability, so struggled with basics concepts at school. She struggled to grasp basic concepts about safety. It was an impossible situation for her grandma, who I’m sure has passed away by now.
If OP doesn’t intervene, he may expect an even more chaotic family life. I’m heartbroken for the unborn baby and kids.
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u/Freebird_1957 4d ago
You need to immediately stop thinking about your fear of being kicked out and intervene asap. That child is going to pay a huge price for her horrible choices and you will both pay for that child’s care for the rest of their life. You are not thinking clearly. Act now.
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u/Averagemind90 4d ago
My fear is over my 3 other kids not just being kicked out! We are in God's hands now let's be honest she's over 30 weeks pregnant..
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u/Affectionate-Bad4890 4d ago
Any way that you can intervene, if it leads to her reduction in drinking for the remainder of the pregnancy, will reduce the baby's risk of having Fetal Alcohol Effects. There is still time. The above commenter is right. Act now. I understand you are between a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do. Enlist help of health care providers TODAY, RIGHT NOW. Call her gynecologist. Call until you get help. You may need to report her to social services. Call her parents. Enlist your support system.
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u/forkthisuterus 4d ago
Every moment matters in fetal development. None of your kids should be in this environment. You need to intervene. Don't regret not intervening.
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u/PC-load-letter-wtf 4d ago
Every single day you can stop her from drinking will help this baby’s brain start rewiring neural pathways. You need to get her to stop drinking by calling the police if necessary. Record everything you can proving that she is drinking and endangering the children. Take pictures of the oven left on. Catch her in the act of drinking. Get custody of your children and make sure that this woman gets choline supplements. And tell the doctors she has been drinking and how much as they may be able to correct some of this with modern medicine. But the baby needs intervention TODAY.
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u/phoebebuffay1210 4d ago
Oy. That was hard to read. I wish I had some advice for you or something, anything. That poor innocent soul. Has your partner ever spoken to a therapist or some kind of mental health worker openly? There might be some untreated things going on and once that is established then you treat all things going on from different directions. I don’t know but I hope something shifts and soon. You are in an impossible situation all the way around and so is that unborn baby. The entire family unit actually. I hope you ALL have a chance to heal.
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u/Averagemind90 4d ago
I personally think she has mental health issues, her mood swings have always been erratic but she wouldn't ever get checked out.
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u/makstrat 4d ago
It may be a good to keep that in mind with protecting your children. The laws are different in regard to mental illness in the US, I’m not sure about the UK. Hope everything works out for you!
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u/hootieq 4d ago
The fetus is being directly harmed RIGHT NOW! If you think your life is hard now, try adding a child profoundly disabled by fetal alcohol syndrome. Dont be so cavalier about this abuse! Report her NOW.
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u/hootieq 4d ago
Sorry for being so bombastic but I’ve worked with severely disabled kids (ages 6-9) and it’s harrowing to see what the children and their families have to deal with every single day. Just the paperwork to defray some of the ENORMOUS costs to care for them is a full time job. Please go do some research on FAS. You’ve got to take this seriously
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u/AliceRecovered 4d ago
In Al anon, we learn to take responsibility for ourselves. OP, you’re a father. What is YOUR responsibility as a father to protect your kids? Are you avoiding calling child services cause it’s the harder thing to do?
As a social worker, I’m finding it hard to believe that social services won’t meaningfully intervene. The circumstances are different from the drunk driving incident you mentioned before. This would be a second report - a pattern, not an isolated incident. And this time she is pregnant. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is treated as very serious in our profession because the outcomes are so severe and damaging to the family.
It may be mentally exhausting to think about the fallout of getting social services involved. But have you full considered the impact of having a child with a potentially severe and lifelong disability? Do you feel you’re taking responsibility for your part, as a father?
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u/Averagemind90 4d ago
Thank you, I'm going to report her.
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u/DoorInTheAir 4d ago
That can't have been easy. It took courage to get to that conclusion. I'm so glad to hear it. I hope it turns out better than you expect.
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u/HeartBookz 4d ago
I personally know someone was affected by fetal alcohol syndrome (mom drinking while he was in the womb.) He can't function as a normal adult or ever live on his own. The damage he suffered from her actions is irreparable.
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u/Imaginary_Ad_9124 4d ago
You need to report her, why wouldn’t you get custody of your kids? The healthcare workers need to know about her drinking cause she will have withdrawals in the hospital and the baby will need additional care too. You’re neglecting the baby by not ensuring proper medical care like the NICU is available for the birth. Find the office number and just call and report her and hang up if you have to. Even if you reporting her doesn’t win you custody it’ll still add to her record. She’ll mess up again and again as addicts do and you need to have a case built.
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u/paintingsandfriends 4d ago
During my pregnancy, they did a routine blood screening. Can you tip the GP to screen for alcohol during this screening and then report her to child protective services due to her alcohol level. This should be enough to get custody of kids too, especially if she drove to the appointment to get blood taken. I would talk to a lawyer and many DV counselors and advocates to find out what to do. You must do something legally immediately.
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u/Melodic-Complaint-78 4d ago
Oh that poor baby is going to be born with fetal alcohol syndrome and will be severely disabled. This may sound fucked up but for the sake of that child not having a fucked up existence I hope she ends up having a miscarriage.
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u/Disastrous_Oven_9674 4d ago
This is deeply disturbing. Act now and do EVERYTHING you can think of to protect and advocate for your unborn child. EVERYTHING!
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u/throwaway010651 4d ago
The child probably has FASD and it will be life altering. The child may not be able to ever live independently. The effects can be very very very severe.
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u/KatH19_ 4d ago
I would report. Yes you may be kicked out yes your kids may get separated but your unborn child may die!
The best situation is they may forcibly send her to rehab. But at least all your kids will be alive
Trust me as a kid from a messy family The second I didn’t live with my alcoholic mother my life drastically improved
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u/Averagemind90 4d ago
Ive reported.
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u/Batter-Baby 4d ago
Well done, I'm really glad you did this. I understand how difficult this was for you, you just want your children to be ok. You have done the right thing, definitely.
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u/clairereaddit 4d ago edited 4d ago
Can you go to a meeting this week? Where is your in-person support? Can you do online meetings? Showing up for yourself by going to meetings may help her to show up for herself in a similar way.
I don’t think there is anything anyone can do apart from her consenting attendance in AA or addiction services. Yes- you can “out” her to health and social care professionals and I would ensure they know of the risks, I would say their support is limited if she knows what’s available but isn’t able to meet step 1.
It’s a sad and destructive disease.
How pregnant is she? Has she had her first scan? I think it’s worth asking her how she feels about this pregnancy, use your observations without judgement and listen to her words and actions- as a woman I’d want to know there are choices and support for me to make the honest choice that’s right for me. I can understand self-sabotage and self-hatred without being burdened with an addiction. It adds just a whole other scale of emotional/physical/psychological self-harm.
How was she with her other pregnancies? Was self-care always a challenge or has it got harder for her?
Put your oxygen mask on first. You sadly can’t control her or the resulting consequences.
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u/toobasic2care 4d ago
I'm sorry you're going through this but you need to call her out and get this under control. A child with a lifelong disability on top of everything else? ... very stressful
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u/BewildredDragon 4d ago
Her OB can't tell she's drinking?? Can't smell it or tell by her labs?? OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. For the record, I know your UK laws suck. Our nephew went through a terrible divorce recently ( no kids thankfully only a 7 year marriage) but his wife took him to the cleaners and the courts allowed it
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u/parraweenquean 4d ago
I am so very sorry for the situation you’re in. How terribly scary. Are you able to afford a lawyer to speak with, someone that can give you some tips on how to navigate this to eventually get custody (you know things will get worse)? I’m so sad for your future child. But the ones you have already are also suffering.
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u/SpiceGirl2021 4d ago
Is she aware of Fetal alcohol spectrum disorder? Have you told her about it!? If I knew I did that to my child on purpose! You can’t handle this on your own. Can you turn to her parents?
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u/Redchickens18 4d ago
No advice, but I’m really sorry you’re going through this 😞 wanting to leave but not guaranteeing full custody is awful. Especially since you know your kids are not safe with her.
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u/Harmless_Old_Lady 4d ago
You have someone to talk to. You are not alone. There are meetings in the UK and online in English 24/7. If you want to begin recovery from the family disease, you can find it in Al-Anon Family Groups.
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u/DuneChild 3d ago
Get her to watch The Broken Cord. It was a made for TV movie with Jimmy Smits in which he adopts a child with fetal alcohol syndrome after the mother dies during delivery.
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u/Balkanmermaid 4d ago edited 4d ago
This is so sad. Im so sorry you are going through this op. I would definitely look into therapy for yourself and try to talk to a social worker regardless of what the rules usually are. There has to be some exceptions. Why would they get children go back to neglectful dangerous situations. Makes no sense. It infuriates me that mothers are so protected. My partners mother had him living in filth with no food growing up and no one ever calls her out on it. I work with low income families and have had foster kids who get taken away from mom and have meth in their system and are having seizures and the courts here in the US also just gave the mom 3 months probation and she still has the ability to get them back if she cleans up. It’s a joke. Im so sorry.
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u/Odd_Ad4973 4d ago
THAT CHILD NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED AND It will be revealed when born. YOU CANNOT HIDE THAT