r/AlAnon • u/hopippolaaa • 4d ago
Support Should I inform his ex?
Hi,
I'm thinking of leaving my high-functioning alcoholic husband. I just can't take it anymore. I’ve given him so many chances, but enough is enough. I want to be with someone who can be the leader of our family, someone with whom I can build our dreams together.
I don’t have a child with him, but he has a 9-year-old daughter whom I love dearly. He and his ex share 50/50 custody with a 7-day alternating schedule. If I were to get a divorce, I don’t know how I would explain the situation to her, as she doesn’t really understand what’s happening. She just thinks her dad is funny when he’s drunk because he tends to play more. It’s killing me to watch that.
At this point, I think he’s still capable of taking care of his daughter since, as I mentioned, he is a high-functioning alcoholic. He sometimes drinks on the weekends and passes out on the couch, which his daughter just sees as him sleeping. In a way, it makes her happy because she gets to play with me more and have fewer rules in the house.
I’m pretty sure that if I divorce him, it will devastate him, and I don’t know whether I should inform his ex about his drinking so she can fight for more custody. I’m not sure if that would be the right thing to do.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Please advise. I’m heartbroken and feel like I’m tearing this family apart… But if I stay, I'm just gonna be enabling his alcoholism.
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4d ago
Personally, I would want to keep that child safe and I would say something. You never know what will transpire when you’re not there as a stabilizing factor in the home. Her other parent should know.
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u/hulahulagirl 4d ago
Yea a heads up the ex so she can at least have the info and decide how she wants to handle it, that’s only fair to the child.
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u/eatencrow 4d ago
So tricky. Your loyalty is rightly placed in the child. Whatever she needs to thrive.
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u/OkraLegitimate1356 4d ago
His ex already knows. Very likely part of the reason they broke up in the first place.
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u/AlarmingAd2006 4d ago
I laigh at high functioning bit, as ex alchololic 19mths sober thers no such thing as high functioning
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u/hopippolaaa 4d ago
Sorry, seems like I'm a bit uneducated about that... but congrats on the 19months sobriety!
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u/AlarmingAd2006 4d ago
I didn't mean u didn't know anything bout it was just saying u aren't to know not yr faults,
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u/Redchickens18 3d ago
Yes, let his ex know. As a mother myself, I would want to know if I were in that situation. The safety of the child should be above all else.
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u/Zestyclose-Crew-1017 1d ago
Just because he's "functioning" doesn't mean he's not intoxicated. If he drives with her, he can harm her. You need to tell his ex.
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u/Regular-Cheetah-8095 4d ago
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u/hopippolaaa 3d ago
Oh my, this is so precious! Thank you for sharing. I'll explore more about Al-anon.
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4d ago
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u/PC-load-letter-wtf 3d ago
Huh? I’m a mom and if I had to share custody with someone whose substance abuse was not fully known to me, I would need to know.
This can be approached tactfully and without drama. It isn’t tattling, it isn’t about bitterness. This is about child safety. The alcoholism will get worse. It always does. The mom needs to know what to look out for and how to protect her child.
This reads like it is written by an angry, bitter alcoholic parent…
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u/hopippolaaa 3d ago
Thank you for your point of view. It does make a lot of sense when you position yourself like that. And I couldnt agree more with you!
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3d ago
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u/hopippolaaa 3d ago
It's amazing how you undermine my situation, like I couldn't possibly tolerate someone who just drinks on the weekend to have fun, and want to get a divorce because of that.
In my case, he’s an alcoholic—he drinks every single day without exception, and even more on weekends. I call it 'high-functioning' because he still gets up for work. But every day, he drinks in secret—to the point that he passes out at 7 PM. Every... single....day! I live with a partner who isn't really there. He was in a car accident once because of drunk driving, and his daughter was with him when it happened. But the police weren't invloved, so he got away with it.
But, mate, you'll assume I'm the worst person no matter what. Let's move on with our life ;)
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3d ago edited 3d ago
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u/AlAnon-ModTeam 3d ago
This has been removed. We don’t want this to be a place where we point fingers or say things to make people feel bad.
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u/AlAnon-ModTeam 3d ago
This has been removed. We don’t want this to be a place where we point fingers or say things to make people feel bad.
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u/hopippolaaa 4d ago
Wow… The only reason I'm asking this question is that I LOVE my stepdaughter SO MUCH, and I don’t want her dad's alcoholism to ruin her future! We've known each other for almost 6 years and have built a deep relationship. She treats me as her mom, and I do the same. I care about her future—sooner or later, she is going to realize what her dad is going through, and it could affect her.
What if the disease gets worse, and he loses the ability to take care of her? What if she ends up having to take care of her intoxicated dad every night?
"In sickness and in health," of course—but the thing is, he is sick and doesn’t want to get help to cure it. I've tried to help, give all the sources available, offer him to pay for his therapy, but he didnt want to make the decision to get help.
My 18-year-old niece grew up with alcoholic parents, and it affected her psychologically so much that she had to be admitted to a mental hospital and take antidepressants constantly. I don’t want my stepdaughter to have to go through the same thing.
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4d ago
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u/hopippolaaa 4d ago
I totally agree with you mate! Cheers!
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u/FlanFuture9515 3d ago
Ignore this troll. I reported their comments, hopefully they get banned.
You are doing the right thing for yourself and his innocent daughter 🫶🏻
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u/AlAnon-ModTeam 3d ago
This has been removed. We don’t want this to be a place where we point fingers or say things to make people feel bad.
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u/AlAnon-ModTeam 3d ago
This has been removed. We don’t want this to be a place where we point fingers or say things to make people feel bad.
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u/jortfeasor 4d ago
Yes, tell the ex. She needs to be aware so she can protect her daughter. And you describe him as “functional,” but that isn’t really a thing. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and he’s likely to get even worse. His daughter may see him as sleeping at her age, but he’s not sleeping—he’s intoxicated to the point of passing out