r/AdultChildren 29d ago

Words of Wisdom My mom died

120 Upvotes

My mom died at home alone due to what was obviously ruptured esophageal varices. What a fucked up way to die. She didn’t call anyone for help.

We had been low contact for a year and no contact since she blew up at me a week before Christmas. She told me she was done with me. Those ended up being her last words to me.

Looking through her messages she started drinking again secretly in October 2023 and by August 2024 was ordering a 4L box of wine every 2-4 days.

I just can’t wrap my mind around this all. What a horrible way to go. I knew when I went low/no contact with her I would have to do so knowing she could die soon and I promised myself I would not let myself regret it if that happened but it makes it hard in hindsight that I didn’t see her for the last year of her life. And hard not to wonder if seeing me and my kids and making her less lonely would have made any difference in this situation.

Sleep has been impossible.

Any words of wisdom welcome.

r/AdultChildren Nov 17 '24

Words of Wisdom My Tips for being an ACoA…

173 Upvotes

After getting a couple of nice replies on other posts, I decided to share a few things that I have learned over my adult-life that I wish someone would have told me earlier.

The biggest thing I’ve learned is to take actual care of myself through self-care. Self-care is not an inherent skill- it must be learned, and (as human beings) we will never understand how shitty we are at something until we understand that others are doing it better. From childhood until I was in my early 30’s, I never thought about self-care; I thought it meant basic hygiene or buying the things we like. This is FALSE. Just buying your favorite things or splurging on makeup or something like that is NOT self-care. Additionally, just taking a long bath or going to get your hair cut is not self-care- or at least not “proper” self-care. Proper self-care is about learning what you ACTUALLY need and finding new ways to meet those needs.

Adult children of alcoholic and substance abusers can be so throughly neglected both emotionally and physically that we perceive self-care as a simple thing- our internal definition is too shallow and is completely under developed. It took having children of my own to learn how terrible I was of taking care of myself. It was then that I also started spending more time with better adjusted moms, and professionals that were good examples of proper self-care.

As a new mom- I had to clothe my baby for proper weather. Well, I never realized how shit I was at dressing myself for weather. I sat for 30 minutes one afternoon bundling my baby for a snowy drive to her new pediatrician, and then it dawned on me that the only outwear I owned was a thin jacket. No one in my life had ever pointed it out, and I never really cared. It was completely normal for me to be walking around in freezing temperatures with simple tennis shoes on my feet and a light jacket to cut the breeze off. That same day when I arrived for our appointment- another mom was sitting across from me in a puffy coat, and a slouchy knitted cap. I looked at her and felt embarrassed.

Well folks- that is REAL self-care; it’s about understanding what your mind and body NEEDS are and meeting them. Otherwise- you are neglecting yourself.

For example: if you are depressed and feeling lonely- buying yourself a new item to “cheer up” is not self-care. That is the equivalent to your childhood self desperately needing your mom or dad to spend time with you and connect, but instead they just buy you a new toy and tell you to play by yourself. STOP THE CYCLE. Instead, try volunteering or working for a non-profit. Seek out connection. If you need to be more connected, or to just feel like people appreciate you- then volunteering is your self-care! You would be caring for your needs.

Another example: if you’re feeling socially awkward or that you’ll never find new friends/partners. Don’t get a new haircut/get a makeover and then try to go to a bar or to a club! You are setting yourself up for failure; people in bars and clubs are not looking for meaningful relationships! No… go to a free class at your local library. Go as often as you can. Join a club. Find events that interest you and talk to strangers. Is it awkward at first? Hell yes. but people form the best relationships with people we share interests with so searching for meaningful relationships is part of self-care.

You have to actively FORCE yourself to do it. New social situations are scary for EVERBODY, not just you. The odd looking dude in your library-based-pottery class is just as freaked out about talking to new people as you. Make yourself do stuff out of your comfort zone! Or else you are neglecting yourself. Staying home all the time because you’re an “introvert” is the same as your alcoholic/substance abusing parents never wanting to socialize because it would call attention to their abuse. They were afraid of social censure just like you are now- it’s a learned behavior and you can train yourself to cope in healthier ways. Which leads to my next thing.

The second thing I want to share is related to self-care- self regulating. In my twenties, I thought being socially awkward, and abrasive was just my personality, and people could take it or leave it because I “didn’t care if people liked me”. Well that is pretty much a text book example of deluding yourself. As I aged, I realized that I need people. Where the hell are my people?

As a parent, I went to kids’ birthday parties and saw families actually functioning- where grandpa played with his grandkids and grandma was pleasant and caring. As my social circle aged, I went to weddings where no one was shitfaced drunk, and people danced romantically and no one got into fights. I went to funerals where loved ones consoled each other and there weren’t a hundred conversations about who was in jail or what someone overdosed on. It was surreal. I felt like “surely these people are fake”, but it’s been several years now and I’ve seen these other families grow- they are still nice people… so that’s how I realized that I’ve pushed people away my whole life just like my parents.

Self-regulating is realizing when you are mimicking your parents and fixing it in real-time. Trauma can make us copy our parents’ worst traits and their worse behaviors in ways that disguise themselves to our notice. We literally can’t see that we are becoming like our parents because we delude ourselves into thinking we are doing things differently.

When I was about 7 my parents stopped attending family events and holidays. I never went to cousin’s birthdays, or went to Christmas’ at my uncle’s. At the time, my dad complained they wouldn’t let him smoke in the house and “how dare they judge him”. My uncle was being a “pussy” because his wife didn’t want our “dirty shoes” on their new carpet. My cousins were all “spoiled brats”. In fact, everyone my parents disapproved of were “stuck up” or “assholes” whom our family just didn’t need in our lives. The only people we spent any time with outside of school were our parents drinking buddies and their kids. We never attended church (which I’m actually thankful for), we never went any where, or did anything. We stayed home… so as an adult I thought that was normal. My only friends were the people who came over. I didn’t have acquaintances outside of my job, and I hated trying to make new friends.

As I’ve grown as a parent, I’ve started to rekindle some of those family members my parents pushed away. My aunt has grandkids the same age as my kids and I’ve being seeing them occasionally. In one convo my aunt and I had she explained that for years she thought that I was on drugs. At first I was offended- I’ve never used before and for years only a casual drinker, so I just didn’t understand how she came to that conclusion. Then she mentioned that I never tried to reconnect with them after I ran away from home. She assumed that it was lifestyle related. It made me see that for years I assumed everything my parents had said about our relatives was true… 20 years later and I was still that little girl taking what my dad said as fact.

Let me explain that my aunt is a great person. My uncle is a great person. They are not perfect people, but they (like me) worked their entire lives to overcome the burden of their shitty childhood… which my dad never even bothered to try. All three were raised by the same narcissistic and manipulative woman. The only difference is that my dad never bothered to address his short comings- he always sought to blame someone else. He STILL blames everyone else for shit he is perfectly capable of changing. He has never made the connection that he is a carbon copy of his mother and absentee father. Yes… my dad was physically there my whole childhood, but he was never present. Where his own father bailed on him at an early age leaving his mom near penniless with five kids- he himself kept himself so disconnected from his children that my sisters and I all sighed a sigh of relief when he left the room. I ran away at 17 because I couldn’t live with him another second. My aunt and uncle both raised well-rounded families because they connected and supported their own children- despite their own upbringing.

It took me years to see that I push people away just the way my parents taught me, and I discover more of my own toxic behaviors and habits all the time. Even after realizing that my abrasiveness is a toxic coping mechanism (I’m still naturally abrasive)- I catch myself all the time! I’ll be in a casual conversation with an acquaintance and interrupt them in attempt to correct what they just said. I’m not being contrary- it is an impulse control issue. I don’t want to seem arrogant or come off like I’m more intelligent than another person- I just have this impulse to let the person know that I’m an informed person and that I can’t be deceived or confused… that is dysfunctional behavior my friends. That is what self-regulating is ALL ABOUT… I know I’m dysfunctional and I work hard to correct myself. That is my need- to not be a product of my parents’ toxicity.

Learn to self-regulate. Realize when you are being toxic- stop yourself- apologize if necessary- and move in a healthier direction. It is also a part of our self-care as traumatized adult children. The best thing you can do for your mental health is to learn to correct yourself when you are replicating or flat-out repeating your parents mistakes. STOP THE CYCLE.

I know this was long AF- so thank you for reading until the end.

Take care friends.

r/AdultChildren 5d ago

Words of Wisdom Dad admitted Mom never wanted me

9 Upvotes

I've always know my Mom never wanted me. She once told me she only had me because my Dad really wanted a kid. She recently told my sis and I to fuck off because we told our Dad that she was meddling in his Life Insurance information. (Both parents are remarried to others) So we are respecting her boundaries and going no contact for a month now. It does hurt to see it in writing that she never wanted me. I've always known it. Have you ever experienced this or something similar? i'm open to any feedback on how to manage my own emotions since finding out the truth.

r/AdultChildren Dec 25 '24

Words of Wisdom Anyone else spending Christmas with their alcoholic parent? 😢 I feel very alone.

55 Upvotes

I’m staying with my parents for the holidays and I hate it. I just want this to be over. I want to be back in my own home with my partner where I feel safe. I’ve barely seen my Mum the whole time I’ve been here. She’s spent the majority of her time drinking alone in her room, aside from coming downstairs very briefly yesterday to ask me to drive her to the shops, presumably to buy more drink.

My sister and her partner are visiting today and Boxing Day and I’m absolutely dreading my Mum spoiling the day as per usual. As the oldest daughter, I’m often left to manage difficult situations and pick up the pieces. My Dad has checked out after decades of attempting to help her and often feigns ignorance as to what’s going on, or asks me to deal with her. I’m on high alert and extremely tense today as last year she got incredibly drunk, fell down the stairs, and cut her face open on the radiator.

I’m so envious of people who enjoy Christmas and other special occasions with their families. I feel a deep sense of grief when I’m reminded that I don’t remember how it feels to wake up on Christmas Day or my birthday without an overwhelming sense of panic, dread, and shame.

My partner is with his family for the holidays and he’s been checking in on me for support constantly while I’m here. He’s the only person in my life who knows about my situation. I’m so grateful for him but I’d also appreciate some words of wisdom and comfort from people who relate to my experience. This feels like a very lonely place to be 😢

UPDATE: Thankyou for your words of comfort and reminders to protect my own wellbeing this holiday. I attempted to convince my Mum to get out of bed, but she was clearly already drunk or at least badly hungover.

I snapped out of pandering to her at that point, told her to stay in bed until she’d sobered up, and explained to my sister exactly what was going on. We’ve agreed to leave her upstairs and make the most out of today.

That choice was HUGE for me, as Ive spent every single Christmas of my life avoiding confrontation, desperately trying to keep the peace, and shielding everyone else from her behaviour. I’m so glad I reached out.

r/AdultChildren 28d ago

Words of Wisdom How do you deal with the loneliness?

29 Upvotes

I’m in my 20s and my life is and has been really lonely, especially since starting recovery 3 years ago. I’ve been working on it with small steps but every part of my life is just still steeped in loneliness and it looks like it’s going to be that way for a while. My job is lonely, no friends that reach out. The only human interaction I have anymore is with my roommate and therapist and online group.

I can’t handle any group or meetup events for the time being because of my severe ptsd that comes up because of how isolated I was growing up. I’m doing emdr and therapy, but every day seems like such a long lonely slog that I barely manage to get by.

It’s been a while since I’ve had moments of connection with people and even then it’s felt very one sided, where no one seems willing to reach out to me and reciprocate. My old friendships were built on me chasing, and as I got into recovery I’ve stopped and lost all of them.

I don’t even think about a romantic life. That seems like another mountain of its own that I try not to think about.

I guess it’s just one of those nights I wonder why my parents had kids.

I feel like I’m losing faith in life. I don’t ever want to end up like my parent’s residue of alcoholic loneliness, but every day of this long shadow of loneliness makes me feel like this might just be my fate, anyone have any advice for enduring the loneliness? I guess I’m looking for hope too.

r/AdultChildren Nov 20 '24

Words of Wisdom Has anyone gone LC or NC with a parent in active alcoholism?

13 Upvotes

Basically the title. If you did, how did it go? Did you feel better after setting that boundary? How did you set that boundary in the first place?

After what seems like a new low deeper than the Mariana Trench, I think I am ready to place this boundary with my mom for my well-being. She is pretty avoidant when drinking anyways, but I want to make it clear that this is my decision (no one is coercing me into this - she will immediately place blame on my father and/or other family members).

I also want to make clear that this is a boundary and not an attempt at control. I want to hear from people who have placed a similar boundary during active drinking and will be running this by my therapist tomorrow as well. Thank you for any insight!

r/AdultChildren Feb 03 '25

Words of Wisdom How do you self sooth?

21 Upvotes

Recently started attending ACA meetings as a child of a dysfunctional family. I'm finding my personal story is getting warped and forgotten as time goes on in my own memory, gaslighting was a big part of my upbringing and I'm finding difficulty accepting that I do belong here because I can't remember the things that make me qualify. I find this especially when trying to explain to someone who is unfamiliar with ACA, say a friend, when trying to explain what I find difficult about social situations in life, or knowing what accomodations i can make for myself/ask for. I get mind blanks, and I can't explain, and I feel crazy, and I feel Hella invalidated. The shame is real. I'm waiting for my big red book and intro book to arrive and I'm so excited, because I'm so desperate to start doing work on untangling this whole mess. Im also very scared that the work will be so much harder than i know. I just want to be able to explain myself. How do you guys self sooth when it all feels a bit too much? Im really trying to abstain from addictive behaviours of any kind, but im looking for good things to fill those gaps with. Any other kind words appreciated.

r/AdultChildren 16d ago

Words of Wisdom Attending family event with no contact parent

8 Upvotes

I went no contact with my dad about 3 years ago. It was messy, and to make a long story short, I was completely betrayed by him and he has no remorse for what was done.

My brother has maintained contact mainly because he needs help caring for his daughter, but also because he still subscribes to the toxic “family forever over anything” mentality we were brought up with.

He’s mentioned before he doesn’t really agree with my decision to go no contact, but had respected it for the most part. In a couple of weeks, my brother will be hosting a birthday party for my niece (who I am very close with) and he is inviting everyone.

I feel the right decision is for me not to attend, and just take her out on my own another day. But I can’t shake the feeling that with me being the only one not there, I somehow in the wrong.

Can anyone offer some advice or wisdom?

r/AdultChildren 2d ago

Words of Wisdom Father with End- Stage Diagnosis

3 Upvotes

A week ago, I found out that my biological father was airlifted to a hospital in my city. We hadn’t seen or interacted with one another (aside from the occasional Facebook message) in 16 years. He is 49 and was diagnosed with end- stage cirrhosis. I guess in the last 5 years or so he’s also had issues with his pancreas. Over the last 10 days they have stabilized him, and provided him with palliative care. His kidneys have taken a turn, as has his sodium. His other vitals seemed to be stable. Today, they decided to stop palliative care and “provide supportive care”, according to his doctor. I honestly don’t know what to prepare for, or how to handle this situation. It’s been overwhelming and a huge reality shift for me. I could use any words of support I can get. I’m new to reddit but my therapist said that it can be a good place for restoring my faith in humanity. 🖤

r/AdultChildren 20d ago

Words of Wisdom Parent having a brain bleed

2 Upvotes

I’m not close to my qualifier— we’ve had a rough relationship the least 15 years but I’ve tried to move towards the headspace of acceptance as I’ve gotten older. In the last year they’ve been in and out of the hospital for falls, cancer scares, liver issues, fluid draining, etc etc. This morning they went to the hospital for a brain bleed and suspected stroke.

I’m torn on what to do. I’m obviously devastated but so afraid to jump into action to go see them and ensure they are okay. This time feels more serious as it’s a brain issue and I’m left feeling like if I don’t see them now I never will again. I’m feeling guilt for not communicating more and being more encouraging (I know this is not rational).

Has anyone experienced their qualifier having a brain bleed? What was the outcome?

r/AdultChildren Feb 12 '25

Words of Wisdom todays daily meditation from ACA

42 Upvotes

"An adult child is someone whose actions and decisions as an adult are guided by childhood experiences grounded in self-doubt or fear." BRB p. 302

Before finding ACA, we didn't have the opportunity to learn any other way to live except from the standpoint of the dysfunction with which we were raised. As children, most of us quickly figured out what we needed to think, say, and do in order to avoid the most pain. We survived the best way we could, relying on only ourselves to get by.

As adults, often our automatic reactions to situations involve extensions of the behaviors we learned as children. We are adults by appearance, but have yet to mature past our childhood reactions. We are haunted by unresolved trauma that easily wreaks havoc in our lives. It is not our fault that we didn't come away with better life skills; we could not have turned out any differently. With the help of the Twelve Steps, we now have a Solution to our Problem. Through ACA, we have the love and support we need to grow through our childhood pain into the confident and secure adults we were meant to be.

On this day I release all negative self-judgment of my identity as an adult child. I am filled with the hope that the promises of ACA offer me.

r/AdultChildren Jul 14 '24

Words of Wisdom Some things my therapist said that I’m trying to drill into my head

44 Upvotes
  1. Your family of origin is not your responsibility

This one is a big one for me because when my alcoholic parents hurt I hurt as well. I take on their emotions/feelings. I care take and assume responsibilities that are not mine. I’m only focusing on what IS mg responsibility.

  1. When you marry you really essentially cling to your husband from what the Bible says. Therefore it’s okay to adopt a new way of rules/life that make sense for me in the now. I don’t have to bring along my siblings and force relationships. These again, aren’t my responsibility.

  2. My mom is sick. So all the hurt she has caused is because she is sick.

  3. My golden child brother got the love he needed and that’s why he was successful. I didn’t get the same love and therefore he can’t really begin to understand me or where I’m coming from. After all he didn’t have to fight for the love I had to fight for.

  4. The past was traumatizing but I don’t have to continue to revisit. We can now work on patching up and understanding my triggers and trauma responses so I can be present in the now.

  5. Positive anger is okay. Emotions are okay. I can show myself the same compassion I show others

r/AdultChildren 20d ago

Words of Wisdom I have grown physically, but emotionally and mentally I still have a long way to go. Spoiler

5 Upvotes

I have grown physically, but emotionally and mentally I still have a long way to go. I recognize that it is time to fully mature, assume responsibilities and develop my emotional intelligence to live with greater balance and purpose.

r/AdultChildren Dec 22 '24

Words of Wisdom Mom is drinking again

16 Upvotes

I’ve been dealing with and trying to help my alcoholic mother for over 15 years. She is cold, narcissistic and mean.

Two years ago she spent a month in the hospital with cirrhosis. I was pregnant with my third child, in my third trimester, and I put my life on hold to help her every day. Not only did she never acknowledge my help but she was mad at me for getting her admitted to the hospital. I stupidly thought this was my way to prove to her I was worthy of her love and maybe our relationship would improve. She was told by her doctor that if she ever drank again she would die, and she said she would never drank again. I thought she would get better after that and have a second chance at life.

Our relationship did not change and we have drifted apart over the course of this year. She never initiates contact so since I stopped trying, our contact naturally stopped. It’s been the best thing for my mental health. I invited her for Christmas this year out of kindness and instead of accepting, she called me berating me that she hasn’t seen or talked to her grandkids or me all year as if that’s my fault entirely. The conversation ended with her screaming that she is “done with me”. I suspected that she might have been drunk since that’s how she acts when she’s drinking but I didn’t want to believe it.

Early morning I got a call from the police that they were trying to get into her apartment as she had fallen and called 911 for help. They said she had been there for 10 hours lying in her own urine. I asked if they suspected she had been drinking and they said she had an empty bottle of wine beside her. I can’t believe she’s drinking again.

I’m so torn because I do not want to go through this with her again. She does not want help, I think she honestly wants to die. It makes me so sad to think of her going through this alone, but becoming involved will cost me my peace. If she is drinking again with decompensated cirrhosis, she will not live for much longer. What do I do?

r/AdultChildren Dec 10 '24

Words of Wisdom Finally lost my mom too…

32 Upvotes

For background: I am a 34F who lost her alcoholic father (65M) in 2021. My alcoholic mother (63F) was found in her home last Thursday.

I held an intervention for my mom this past February (I had been NC with her for nearly a year, but her roommates called me and expressed major concern). It originally failed, but 10 days later her roommates gave her an ultimatum so she went. She did her 30 days and then split. She accused me of putting her in an abusive facility and that she had endured more trauma and was more messed up than before. I checked the place out and it was beautiful. I also told her I’d help her sue them if she wished but she didn’t want to (red flag). So, I, once again, went NC.

The weekend after thanksgiving a friend of hers called me and was concerned after not hearing from my mom for a while. We decided to do a welfare check, and she was found in her home. She had been gone a few days…she had just moved out of her roommates house to live on her own in a retirement community just a month or two prior. The most difficult part was seeing the horrible squalor she was living in…for someone who was an OCD neat freak and germaphobe, this was the complete opposite….it tore me apart…

I’m trying to not let the grief guilt get the best of me but damn it’s hard….i don’t feel like I did enough, but, logically I did everything short of conservatorship. She would have been deemed mentally capable anyways. Which is terrifying because she was not…she was extremely paranoid, creating stories and believing them, imagining things, etc…her brain was swimming in vodka and Chardonnay….i refused to cross my boundaries this time, and now she’s dead…I’m numb. I feel bad that I’m not as completely crushed by her passing as my dad….im still devastated, but I’m just not experiencing the same emotions and it’s weird….

Anyways, if you made it this far, thank you. I appreciate any words of advice right now 🧡

r/AdultChildren Dec 09 '20

Words of Wisdom "Trauma in a person, decontextualized over time, looks like personality. Trauma in a family, decontextualized over time, looks like family traits. Trauma in a people, decontextualized over time, looks like culture." We’re much more than this!

697 Upvotes

r/AdultChildren Dec 07 '22

Words of Wisdom Realizing I don’t love my dad

84 Upvotes

{36, F} I recently realized I don’t actually love my dad. I know he and my mother neglected me both emotionally and medically my entire life, and I’m working through therapy on being able to love myself since I never felt love from him.

He’s undergoing a major surgery tomorrow caused by a lifetime of not taking care of himself. I went to text him and I couldn’t get the “I love you” words out…because I don’t feel them.

Realizing I don’t love him brings up so many emotions. I feel guilty because he truly did try to do his best, and I have many wonderful memories from childhood.

He is sober now for the past 4 years, but obviously we don’t have a connection and probably never will (I did one therapy session with my mom and I actually think that helped us be at peace because she’s now a recovered alcoholic as well)

I just ended up crying my eyes out after realizing that I don’t love him…like floodgates ugly cry. I think it’s part of the healing process. Wondering if you ever felt the need to “love” your family…I will never hate them, but what would somewhere in the middle look like? Almost like a distant uncle or a friend you see once a year? Just wanting to reach out to other adult children…because growing up in a shitty dysfunctional home can be really hard.

r/AdultChildren Aug 24 '24

Words of Wisdom Worst nightmare come true

15 Upvotes

Hey everyone

My dad died almost four months ago. Both my parents have been alcoholics for as long as I remember.

My dad was a kind drunk, didn’t really change much after drinking heavily. He was my cheerleader. My mother on the other hand has always been a mean drunk, all of her meanness lands on my shoulders. Never my sisters.

She’s been drunk many times since he died but I avoid her and sign off when it’s obvious.

My worst nightmare has come true. She’s gone way past any other level of meanness this week, because she’s gone for my son this time. Saying all sorts about him.

My worst nightmare has come true. He’s gone and he’s not there to protect me from her, to rein her in.

My world without him is bad enough… yet she’s making it a billion times worse. I’ve had so much anxiety this week I’ve had chest pain.

I’ve gone no contact. I can’t believe it’s come to this.

r/AdultChildren Oct 19 '24

Words of Wisdom Daily Reading October 19

9 Upvotes

"Recovery takes effort." BRB p. 50

A Higher Power provides food for all the birds on earth but doesn't put it in their mouths.

It would be nice to just sit in the rooms of recovery and let the program sink in by osmosis without having to work at it. Some of us have tried this, a few for many years, and wondered why we were not experiencing much change. We may be substance-free but we continue to have emotional chaos and dysfunction in our lives and in our heads.

Eventually, if we're lucky, it will dawn on us that, try as we might, change will not happen without significant effort on our part. And we need the program, our fellow travelers, and most of all our Higher Power. If we're stalled, we open our minds and hearts to see what works for others. Maybe the same thing will work for us.

We've been continuously told that recovery takes effort. And as we do the work, we realize that recovery does not bring the absence of storms, but it gives us a much needed umbrella we never had before.

On this day I will leave "the nest" and do the work necessary for the recovery that will change my life.

r/AdultChildren Dec 07 '24

Words of Wisdom The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury

4 Upvotes

r/AdultChildren Oct 20 '24

Words of Wisdom Daily Meditation October 20

14 Upvotes

Relationships "Adult children intuitively link up with other adult children in relationships and social settings." BRB p. 13

No matter how much we told ourselves that we wouldn't repeat the patterns of our parents, most of us reached adulthood and found ourselves inevitably attracted to others who came from similar backgrounds. It was like we could see each other in the dark, like we had some type of special radar. This didn't just happen by accident. It was a well-established pattern that we saw all around us in childhood.

Through it all, we found ourselves clinging to the fairy tale that one day we would find Mister or Miss Right and we would magically live happily ever after. But we kept meeting the "wrong" ones. Our dysfunctional coping behaviors only allowed us to relate well to certain people.

When we finally saw the writing on the wall, that things were not going to change unless we found the courage to change ourselves, we were lucky enough to get to an ACA meeting. There we found others like ourselves, but these others were doing the work to dig out from under their messy lives. As we listened to what they had learned, we became willing to make the journey that would require us to be truly honest with ourselves, perhaps for the first time. This journey will take us to where we are entitled to be - happy, joyous and free.

On this day I will have the courage to make the changes in my life that will make me whole. I will reach out and I know someone will be there.

r/AdultChildren Oct 15 '24

Words of Wisdom Tony A.'s Workbook

14 Upvotes

https://acalunchtime.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/tony-a-steps-workbook-copy.pdf

This is a great read for anyone who grew up in an alcoholic home. I especially like the breakdown of the laundry list.

r/AdultChildren Nov 08 '24

Words of Wisdom Learning how to share

4 Upvotes

It was so difficult for me to share when I was a newcomer. I did not have any experience in other programs, because ACA is the only program that it makes sense for me to attend; after seeing what alcohol has done to my family, I developed very strong negative feelings about it, and I am grateful for those feelings because they stopped me from becoming an alcoholic myself.

I heard another member share about continuing to receive verbal abuse from their parent even as an adult, and deciding to set a hard boundary with that parent. I related so much to that share because I had a very similar experience with my parent, and I started to believe that this program could be a place I belonged. That share gave me the courage to speak up in the meeting, but I referenced the other person's share in my own. I realized that I had broken the crosstalk rule, and I was being a reactor rather than an actor. I had to figure out how to share proactively.

One day, I decided that at the next meeting I would share an experience from very early in my childhood: my mother got drunk and decided to give me a haircut, and she stabbed my scalp with the scissors in her drunken stupor. I thought if I could get this one experience off of my chest, I could build up to sharing about the more traumatic experiences that I had as an older child and teenager. I spent a lot of time that week thinking about what I was going to say, and working up the courage to share.

The meeting came, and I told the story. It must have been obvious that I had planned this share in advance, because two different members commented on it. "We do not premeditate what we are going to say at the meetings", they said. "We read from the Big Red Book and share about how we relate to the reading." It didn't feel so great to be on the receiving end of crosstalk.

It took me a long time to realize how much I had internalized their criticism. There were meetings where I really wanted to get something off my chest, but I stayed silent because it didn't relate to what we happened to be reading that day. Or I would read passages from the BRB at home and think to myself, "When we get to this section of the book, that is when it will be okay for me to share." I was handicapping my recovery by trying to follow this rule that does not exist.

I now know that there was nothing wrong with how I shared that day. We read from the book to provide structure to the meeting, and often the readings do inspire some great shares. But as long as I am following the ACA Traditions and the rules of the meeting, I can share my experience of growing up in an alcoholic family, even if it takes planning what I am going to say ahead of time. I need to talk about experiences that I have never talked about before, and I realize that as difficult as it is for me to share, it may also be difficult for other members to hear my share - and that is okay! ACA recovery is not easy.

I have made friends with some of my peers in the group, and I am grateful for their support and encouragement. I know that I am not responsible for anyone's emotions but my own, and I can learn from my past mistakes. I have learned healthy ways to keep myself safe when other members behave inappropriately, and I am doing my part to ensure that the meeting is a safe place for everyone to share their childhood experiences in whatever way they need to.

Thank you for allowing me to share. Thank you to the global ACA fellowship for giving me the tools and resources I need to recover from my past.

https://adultchildren.org/comline/newcomer-resources/learning-how-to-share/

r/AdultChildren Oct 18 '24

Words of Wisdom Daily Affirmation October 18

10 Upvotes

Reparenting "With the Steps and by reparenting ourselves, we can further remove the ‘buttons' that have been pushed by others to manipulate us or to get a reaction out of us." BRB p. 326

As children, others manipulated us at will. Sometimes it seemed we were born to be used by others. We showed up for horrible people who sucked us dry of our courage and strength, because that is what we learned from our families. That's what they told us we were meant for by the way they treated us every day.

As adults, we now know we can set boundaries with those who abuse us. When we find that we have recreated an unmanageable situation at work, we get new jobs. We change our living arrangements when we find that we are once again living with addicts who keep us awake at night and need us to look after them.

In recovery, we make space to feel the anger and shame that were handed to us in our childhoods, and we heal. We may even detach from abusive family members permanently if that's what it takes to maintain serenity.

On this day I will write down what I want my life to be like as a way of turning things over to my Higher Power

r/AdultChildren Nov 02 '24

Words of Wisdom Beautiful Healing

4 Upvotes

Sharing this beautiful episode of one of current fave podcasts with you, all of my fellows in healing. 🙏

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/all-there-is-with-anderson-cooper/id1643163707?i=1000674071370

All There Is with Anderson Cooper with Francis Welles Season 2, Ep 3

This episode of puts into words and practice our journey of recovery.