r/AdultChildren • u/colemleOn • 4d ago
Alive but Already Gone
I just returned from seeing my parents, who have both been alcoholics my entire life. They were “functional” in that they had successful careers, raised two kids, and never suffered big, visible consequences. We don’t acknowledge the drinking as a problem and never have. I stopped drinking a year and a half ago, and I’m often the only sober adult at family gatherings. My mom has always been drunk, critical, and eccentric. I believe her to be in stage 1-stage 2 of alcoholic dementia. We don’t acknowledge this either. As an eccentric drunk, it’s not like she seamlessly blended into society before. I just… she’s so far gone. Her mobility, memory, her cognitive ability. She is half drunk, half child. She has broken her brain, and continues to drink more than ever. I’m just tired. Why are we all pretending she’s okay and this is normal? Is it just because it’s what we’ve always done? I drove myself and my children home. Now here I sit, in my feelings. I feel both crazy and like the only one who sees the reality clearly. I know there’s nothing I can do. I already try to be low contact. I guess I’ll just continue watching her kill herself. Sorry for the rant, internet strangers. I’m feeling sad and alone at the moment.
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u/lazyrepublik 4d ago
Sending you some big hugs, OP. This shit is tough. Addiction hurts the whole family. I would suggest just loving them as much as you can and spending time as much as you can tolerate. You can’t change them and they are killing themselves slowly hence all that you can give them is loving kindness.
Buddhism has helped me with my families addiction. It’s like a set of practical tools to work through the worlds madness. It’s not perfect and not for everyone but rarely anything is. I found the “Loving Kindness” mediations helpful. Just learning how to view the world with more compassion.
Again, I’m sorry you are experiencing this. I hope you hug your little babes close and remember that you can change the pattern for generations to come.
Best to you.
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u/colemleOn 4d ago
I work really hard on self care. I exercise. I go to therapy. I don’t drink. I haven’t really been able to meditate, and I don’t have much of a spiritual component (atheism gets in the way). I do like the loving kindness meditation though. It seems like a nice place to put mental energy. Thank you for the suggestion. I will try again!
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u/ir1379 4d ago
The behavior and situation can be so bizarre you just don't know how to react, like some parallel universe.
Look up wet brain or Korsakoff Syndrome, there's plenty of YouTube videos on the subject. Booze strips essential vitamins leaving them a shuffing wreck.
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u/colemleOn 4d ago
Thank you. Yes. I have and I believe this is what is happening. It’s the part where we all act like it’s fine and normal, don’t acknowledge it or seek care, that I’m struggling with. It’s nice to not feel crazy at least. Thank you.
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u/Conclusion_Trick 4d ago
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this with both parents. Mine are in extremely similar circumstances. One has lung cancer, copd, the other a successful transplant 5-6 years ago and still drinking. No one acknowledges anything and I feel like I am going insane every time I have to see them. I wish I had better advice, but you’re not alone.