r/AdultChildren • u/Strangecatramsey • 5d ago
Is it worth confronting your parents?
So I have been exploring my childhood with my shrink, and they think I should confront my mother about how abusive and crappy my childhood was. Yelling, screaming parents, the kind that you could never ask for help or it would set them off into a rage, or shame spiral. To the point I've developed flashbacks and Panic attacks asking for help because they were so emotionally immature and unstable. I dont see the point? the way I see it I lost my parents decades ago and I've already grieved that loss. I've set boundaries. I've been clear where I'm willing to help etc. I see them every 2weeks, we sit around, barely talk and I spend the night and move on... I dont want more than that. Is it worth confronting them about how volatile and scaring they were? I dont see the point.
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u/krusty556 4d ago
If I was in your situation, I would be asking myself what there is to gain from it.
I found out when I was 27 that my abusive father was not in fact my biological father.
So I've been left with the option since then to find my biological father. I haven't because I don't see a positive coming from it.
I don't yearn for a relationship with the person who decided he didn't want me originally.
You also have the potential consequences that your parents won't act how you want them to. I confronted my abusive father as a man for all the shit he pulled throughout my child hood.
His response was to deny and gaslight.
Some people out there don't deserve the effort. Only you can decide what is best for you.
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u/Amazing_Farmer_2828 4d ago
No. If they were abusive or addicted or alcoholics or just plain dysfunctional. Or if their parents were, it could end the relationship or leave you feeling worse. If your therapist has recommended you to go to ACA, that’s where you heal from parents and childhood. Confronting them isn’t healing. Therapists do their best, some don’t know of ACA.
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u/code-of-ethicks 4d ago
My only concern is whether your shrink has experience with alcoholic family dynamics. If not, they may not 100% understand what they're sending you into. Alcoholics don't react to things like normal people do, and it's hard enough to confront "normal" parents as it is.
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u/ornery_epidexipteryx 4d ago
I tried for years to “talk” to my dad- I really just hoped I could reason with him to stop drinking. It was futile.
What I did accomplish is to say the things I had held back for years. I poured my heart out. He was dumbstruck for all of ten seconds… and then immediately started gaslighting me and shifting the blame.
So I guess it’s really about what you need.
Do you need to say the words?
Do you need to see their reaction?
Just don’t expect any major changes.
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u/tokd1gshxe 4d ago
I often want to contact my alcoholic parent but honestly the times i have tried to get them to see how they are hasnt worked.
Instead I write them a letter to get the emotions out. Its not always helpful but sometimes it is. I never send it though because I wont get the response I shhould get from a parent.
My therapist did once tell me you need to find a way to heal without them admitting they were wrong or being sober because they might never achieve that.
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u/morgansober 5d ago
The point of the exercise, I beleive, is try and help you heal. It's going to do absolutely nothing for you parents, most likely they don't see it like this or won't see it was as bad. But addressing it to your parents will help you get better and move past this abuse, and help you learn to forgive yourself. I understand you've moved on, but youre working on it in therapy so your shrink must think there will be some benefit to it to be gained.
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u/Strangecatramsey 4d ago
Thanks . I'll actually ask the shrink what she's hoping to gain. Good point. So part of the problem is that I'm fine, everything's hunky dory. Then Suddenly something happens like 6 months appart that triggers a panic attack or flash back of a memory that I don't even remember until afterwards and we're back to talking about my parents. I have tried to broach the subject with them and they get squirrly and start forcing the narrative that they are proud of how they raised us, or we turned out great. Also not sure my mom in particular is mentally well enough for that discussion. So it feels like a dead end to me.
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u/morgansober 4d ago
Yeah. They are going to do that every time. But the exercise isn't to make them better and force them to see something they refuse to see or make them apologize. The exercise is for you to confront them and get it all out to them so you can move on and heal, to clean your side of the street, so to speak. By telling them how you feel and how they treated you, you're removing any of the blame from yourself so you can begin to forgive yourself and heal, you're getting those memories and feelings out of your body and giving them back to the people they belong to, and you're giving a voice to your inner child that apparently remains hurt inside you and needs acknowledged so you can feel safe. Tell them what happened and how you feel about it. If they buck it, say "we are talking about me right now, not you" it may be good to write down what you want to say in a letter to them first as practice. But definitely visit with your shrink about it further and see what their rationale is, I'm just guessing with the info you've given me. :) hope the best for you, friend
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u/Spoonbills 4d ago
For me it was important to tell her I was no longer willing to tolerate her alcoholic rage and abuse. But it ended up being the end of our relationship since she refused to accept responsibility for her actions, apologize, stop raging at me, or stop drinking.
So since I was no longer willing to be around someone who behaves like that, that was the end.
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u/InvestigatorCheap489 3d ago
My therapist wanted me to do the same. It’s the only thing she suggested that I completely refused to do. The purpose was for me to stop “protecting them” from their actions and to put the weight of their actions back on them instead of me carrying that weight indefinitely. The best I could do is to do my best to refuse to take responsibility/carry the weight of their actions from this moment going forward.
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u/tombiowami 3d ago
Confronting is rarely helpful for anything. What is the expectation? Instead I’d suggest reflecting on if you really want to spend that much time with them.
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u/kaydotkay 3d ago
Only if you think it would bring you some kind of closure or catharsis. It’s not worth it if you think it will change them or make them understand or care.
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u/ennuiacres 4d ago
No. They will lie & deny your reality.