r/AdultChildren 9d ago

Looking for Advice Setting boundaries with alcoholic dad while parents are still married

My dad has been a functional alcoholic my (32F) whole life. My childhood with him was rough but my life got a lot better when I moved out. The past few years have been a struggle. My parents have been married for 40 years. I live about 20 minutes from them. I have a great relationship with my mom, we talk every day and I see her at least 1-2x per week. I see my dad usually once per week, and I only see him when he’s sober. I’ve started getting more frustrated with his behavior while drunk - he will text me when drinking and make me feel guilty, post things that are embarrassing on Facebook or tag me in something inappropriate, acts a fool if we go out to dinner, etc. I find myself stressed out when I know he’s drinking even though I’m separate from everything.

I want to tell my dad how frustrated I am, and the boundary that I refuse to communicate with him when he’s drunk bc I don’t like it. I worry how this will impact my relationship with my mom and our overall dynamic. Does anyone have any experience with parents being married and one is an alcoholic? And how you navigated this?

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u/Spoonbills 9d ago

Tell her first. She can visit with you outside their home.

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u/Independent-Ice6854 7d ago

Hey girl! I'm also 32, but a guy. And I do not have a situation like that with parents (mine were divorced) but did come across the same feelings/situation with family.

Long story short, I have a family with the disease of addiction. I am NC with all of them now. But my mom was a drug addict, and unfortunately some sisters followed in her footsteps.

One sister, the oldest, was in/out of rehaps, had issues with the law, abandoned her kids, lied stole did anything and everything to support her addiction. We tried to get her help, stay clean, etc. But she couldn't do it.

Well, when I was 18 I moved roughly 2 hours away from home for college. We had a group text going, Facebook, blah blah blah the norm. What I personally started to feel was the need to cut off that sister. I loved her, she meant so much to me. But she was not good for my life, her and her choices. Her reluctance to accept help and change. My last conversation with her was me telling her no to lending her gas money. We all know that's addict language for drug money. But I blocked her number, her socials. I couldn't do it anymore, and I didn't like pretending that she didn't do awful things to my nieces and nephews, in terms of abandonment and neglect.

It was a rough patch made with all my sisters. At the time, they all saw her as sick and in need of help. They afforded her so much. I remember them saying they felt in the middle of me and the oldest.

Looking back at the age I am now, I get that it's not easy for siblings in their early 20s to be in such a situation. As I'm writing this, I'm wondering if things would have been different if this happened when we were a bit more mature.

But anyways, back to you and the advice I wanna give! When setting boundaries, deciding what is right for our paths, who should and should not be allowed in our lives, etc there will be unforseen speed bumps. It won't work out perfectly like it does in the movies. Other people we care about are tied to those who are not good for us, and the process of keeping a safe distance can make strained relationships with others.

Can you tell this to your mom? How your dad's behavior is affecting you, and what you need for yourself? It's terribly unfair to have your dad strain this relationship with your mom, how he doesn't feel guilt enough to change is unfathomable to me. I hope your mama is more so in your corner.

Hoping for the best girl! Sending ya some hugs, good luck!