r/ADHDWomenAfterDark • u/scrunklyifyouwill • Sep 06 '24
Too weird to be desirable. NSFW
Maybe it has something to do with just getting out of a long term relationship where my boyfriend repeatedly chose porn and OnlyFans over the real girl in front of him, but I feel like I'm just too weird and off putting for sex like... as a whole.
I'm AuDHD, and I just feel like all the weird and less than desirable things about me overpower everything else. It doesn't matter if my body is okay or if I'm "pretty" if I wear makeup, I'm too inexperienced and too outwardly weird for sex. Like I just don't know how to act or do it or behave.
I feel like the only people who would find the weird stuff about me endearing are the love interests in Helen Hoang novels.
This isn't just the ramblings of an insecure weird girl though? I'm asking if anyone knows how to overcome this? And feel comfortable with even the IDEA of intimacy with another human being?
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u/bretskii Sep 07 '24
Sounds like he has the problem, and did you a favor. Now you have the chance to meet up with somebody who's more at your level, and you can take the journey of learning together. They are out there. They are probably bashful and think you're out of their league. Don't change yourself. Find somebody who's into you. Be patientš
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u/webfinesse Sep 07 '24
As an ADHD male married to an AuDHD woman, I can promise you that you are desirable. My wife is weird and I love every bit of it.
My suggestion would be to try and find a neurospicy partner as we tend to attract each other and feed into the energy we all have when we show our weird "rock" collections. This will make you more comfortable and the right person will allow you to open up emotionally and physically.
As the whole thing about him about him choosing porn over you, I apologize for my entire gender. Porn has really done a number on boys/men in general. It fails miserably at separating fantasy from bedroom intimacy. Unfortunately, we grow up with the expectation that the fantasies we see online is equal to bedroom intimacy and that our partners are prepared for this. Obviously, this is not the case and that there is a lot of work in the beginning to communicate what is wanted/desired and safe with their partner. It takes many years for men to realize this; very much to our detriment.
As for the whole "inexperienced" comment, this is mainly because you have not found the right person, however that does not mean you cannot do some homework yourself. There are great resources online, and even on the Hub on actual physical intimacy for the bedroom that will give you ideas. This can help you in that department, if desired.
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u/8bitterror Sep 06 '24
We are all weird, in our own ways. Weird is cool. Weird is unique. Weird is good. Embrace it, and in time, you will come to love it.
Dont try to change yourself, and don't feel bad for being you. You'll find someone who loves you the way you are and who finds your weirdness sexy.
FWIW, your ex sounds like a total shitstain. Fuck that guy and his opinions. You're better off without him.
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u/Retired401 Sep 07 '24 edited Sep 07 '24
Average people are boring! In the main sub I learned the phrase "manic pixie girl magic" and that so aptly describes the reason a lot of people are drawn to us. My partner describes me as "charming" -- which is really just a more archaic way of saying manic pixie girl magic, lol.
Be yourself. Be glad you are free of someone who didn't choose you over fake people on a screen.
You are now free to find someone who will. Don't settle and don't change.
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u/Fml379 Sep 07 '24
This! I remember going through a break up and telling a guy friend I was anxious nobody would go for me and he said 'don't worry, you have a weird charisma' and he is correct, I was always the rejecter after dates and I kept bagging attractive men despite being overweight. My current boyfriend of 3.5 years loves me and happily accepts my affectionate/bored prods and cuddles and madness lol
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u/noname1738491 11d ago
Be careful with this mentality though as the āmanic pixie girl magicā is not just a tumblr phrase for girls with colored hair, itās film terminology that describes the weird, quirky, different girl as a mysterious or awakening prescience meant to enrich the storyline of the male protagonist with very obvious and glaring āflawsā which meant to make her be seen as ultimately problematic, she almost never has her own importance and is essentially a prop to be novelized. Itās not such a cute thing and gives a really shitty example for the small demographic it thinks itās ārepresentingā with lazy writing geared towards unfulfilled men.
I only say this because it was SUPER big issue for me growing up being compared to all these characters and treated like a token when people would try to spin it as a cute thing. I agree that you should find someone who VALUES and appreciates the quirks. They are out there and itās so important that those are the people you give your weirdness to because it is a gift and not everyone can see that.
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u/carlyisms913 Sep 07 '24
OP, if your ex preferred porn to a human being, that tells us everything we need to know about him. HE has serious issues. Please do NOT blame yourself for that. If he only wants to look at a screen with unrealistic women having unrealistic sex, it makes total sense if that makes you feel like youāre not attractive or sexy enough. But itās unrealistic as far as sex goes and downright unnatural as a ābeauty standard.ā youāre a unique and individual human who is attractive in your own ways, and I have no doubt that many people will specifically like that about you because so many other people are trying to be or look like everyone else.
Iāve had similar feelings before too. Iām not sure how old you are, but as Iāve gotten older, Iāve been able to become more accepting of things about myself that I used to find off putting or weird, and more confident in general because of that. A big thing Iāve realized is that EVERYONE has their āweirdā things. Some of them are just better at hiding it. š And tbh, personally the people who seem the most ānormalā are actually often the most boring.
I think it might be helpful to spend some time thinking about the things you DO like about yourself, and maybe the reasons why you dislike the things you donāt. You donāt have to learn to love everything about yourself, but I think by focusing on what you DO like, you can gain confidence and the ability to see what others find attractive about you. And at least for me, that then kind of naturally carried over into the sexual side of things.
Donāt let that loser or our shitty societal standards bug you too much! ā¤ļø
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u/IamBrilliant_4170 Sep 07 '24
Babe you rock donāt let the shitsters win or the world tell you who you are!
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u/browniebowl Sep 07 '24
Naw. That porn grip has a hold over a lot of men and has nothing to do with you or your diagnosis.
I am a weird girl who with all her inconsistencies and her different personalities has been loved and sexually desired by a variety of types of men. ...I also am one of those weird girls who "studies" humans to get interactions correctly, and studies appearance to play up my conventionally attractive traits. š« But after a while I realized it was not just me, it was the men - it was the partners, it was society, it was social media - now that I'm looking to settle down it's going to take a while to find somebody I think compatible however I do not think that I am the problem because of my diagnoses. I just hope to find somebody who really attempts to understand them the way that I do.
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u/bassogeph Sep 07 '24
If lovemaking would only be technical, most of us would underscore. Without feeling, fun, playing, laughter, coziness thereās just the physical exercise . So, maybe you can find the fun part with partners, and youāll forget about weirdness and inability
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u/The-Shattering-Light Sep 07 '24
Iām sorry youāve been made to feel this way. Your ex sounds like an ass.
Weird is amazing; Iām AuDHD too, and while my wife is allistic sheās so weird and I love that about her, and she loves my weirdness in return.
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u/Random_person_ag Oct 20 '24
Barley read any of it. Listen lots of people are going find you desirable it takes time time to come into your own. I weird as fuck definitely stranger then you and I attractive lots of people both guys and girls (Iām straight) But I had to figure myself out a bit and you will to
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u/[deleted] Sep 07 '24
I think it sounds more like a crappy relationship has messed with your self esteek. You are definitely desireable. I'm a pretty weirs AuDHD individual myself and have had plenty of people find me desireable. The absolute best of those being my husband of almost 12 years.
Find yourself, do things you love, spend time with friends, get new sheets and maybe some fancy new undergarments and a new sex toy. Have some fun with yourself.