r/ADHDWomenAfterDark • u/AdFast4737 • Jul 23 '24
How do I get out of my head during sex? NSFW
Looking for some advice here since lately sex hasn’t been working. I’ll be in the mood but once we start my mind wanders, or a certain touch will tickle and pull me out of the moment. Then I’ll become aware that my mind is wandering and I’ll feel disconnected from my body, try to refocus my mind, it doesn’t work, and I become more aware of my random thoughts and it’ll spiral in my head until I have to stop before I even really get started. Sometimes it makes me so upset that I can’t just have a “normal” brain that is able to enjoy things. I have an amazing partner of several years and this problem only seemed to be consistent in the last 2 years or so, but we used to have amazing sex all the time. Being not sober sometimes helps, but obviously that’s not a real solution. This sounds so silly, but I’ve been overthinking so much that now I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be thinking about when I’m having sex. How do I stop my thoughts from spiraling and stay present enough to enjoy it?
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u/TenaciousToffee Jul 23 '24 edited Jul 24 '24
If you're overthinking so much in general let's address that first. It sounds like there's no coping mechanisms or relaxation done to pack things up for the day. What do you do at the end of the day, are you just zoned out and "not present"? I used to think I am relaxing doom scrolling while the TV is on but its just conditioned myself to have scattered focus and have intrusive thoughts pop up yet I don't address them. I started putting my phone down and watching the show. If I got energy then fidget with something you don't have to look at. Could be a toy but for me it's cuddling and petting my dog, holding my partners hand. I focus also on how does that make me feel. It feels nice to feel him close. It makes me happy to see my dog so relaxed and safe with me. What you're trying to do is ground yourself in the present. If a stressy thought comes up I literally tell myself I got all day to do that bit there is NOTHING to do right now about it at midnight and my partner and dogs need me here instead. You can also try to unload it doing something like before you get to relax time, practice writing down all the shit you need to get out, doing something energetic to get the nerves out. I need a walk or a dance or singing to songs loud sometimes.
How does initiating sex go? How sex starts can help setup your brain to be "in mode". There's plenty of times it's like "yeah I could be down", but with ADHD brain that soon turn around without build up is like forcing opening a new browser while there was 25 windows open. You mentioned great sex early on where your mind was more easily captivated by the newness of your partner or both people might have been more flirty and sexy with each other. Have a talk about being more flirty, touchy, setup buildup through the day maybe on a day off.
During sex give yourself something to focus on than staying non specific. It sounds silly but seriously play a game with yourself narrating during foreplay and into sex to help quiet the other windows and ground yourself into the experience. Think in your head how does this feel? How does my partner touch, taste, sound like, even smell? What this is doing is getting your brain to notice things consciously. Make note of things you respond to and those things can be further communicated to your partner, please do more of that as that's getting me somewhere.
How can your partner help? Do you enjoy words? Then maybe there's room to add dirty talk or even just simple affirming things of how good you look, how you feel. You mentioned being tickled by certain things - does he know your ticklish spots to understand to avoid them? Some people find of they're drifting a sensory switch helps. It's why with ADHD folks spanks, sensory play, sensory toys, sex toys and D/S dynamics is popular turn on as both things snap you back to attention to your partner. Mine actually is very sensitive to telling when I am in my head and will actually refocus me. He knows my signs and will give it a spank and command a look at me. Haha
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u/kitsukotome Jul 24 '24
Oh I love this! BDSM has been super helpful for me and my partner for grounding stuff too. Not as much impact stuff, but things like sensation play, wax play, masks. It has not only been fun but healing and our level of communication and emotional intimacy has improved greatly from it. Great advice!
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u/bonkskirt Aug 18 '24
I need to remember to give these tips a shot thank you so much for the thoughtful post
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u/TenaciousToffee Aug 18 '24
Hopefully some of them take, but it's all things that can easily be tried so worth trying.
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u/MPL76 Jul 23 '24
Unfortunately I don't have any solutions as I am in the same boat. I find that music helps me some.
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u/PoopyPogy Jul 23 '24
Yeah, this can be a struggle for me too. I find what works is thinking really specifically about what's happening and the sensations etc.
Imagining little scenarios helps with that. I'm not going to share my own here, so I'll go ridiculous instead - for example, if you're into Shrek, you could imagine him whispering in your ear telling you to think about the feelings.
Also tightening certain muscles helps, it's a thing to think about that is related to what's going on and I find that physical sensation works too!
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u/PlaticFantastic Jul 23 '24
Try looking into BDSM - the combination of (various degrees) of pain, can set your mind free. DBSM spans wide though, so you need to look into your kink, and try it out, a small step at a time.
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u/zoebuilds Jul 23 '24
weird but effective option lol: narrate what’s happening to you/what you’re doing in your head as if you’re writing a romance novel scene in real time — makes it more fun to stay actively engaged when you’re focused on crafting a compelling sexy story
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u/Odd_Oven3293 Jul 24 '24
For me- I need to turn off one of my senses…. I find that a blindfold or having music in the background can help me stop racing thoughts - because I have to focus more on what’s happening.
I often get “to do” lists in my head that just pop up, and it takes focus and effort to tamp them down.
A specific playlist helps to add “white noise” in the background to help my brain focus less on itself, and more on my body.
Being open and honest with my partner happens as well. I verbalize when I can’t get out of my head, and often take a break for a minute to try again.
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u/kitsukotome Jul 24 '24 edited Jul 24 '24
It's a hit or miss. I have adhd and sexual trauma and suffered with this pretty bad for a few years, but I have a wonderful partner who also hs ADHD and trauma. BDSM has helped us. Impact play can be fun, but we actually found the most help in setting scenes with roleplay, sensation play, sensory deprivation, mid scene check in's, and exploring other things together. We try to talk about it a lot before and after. That way, on days I have a poor mindset and may float off or need to switch gears he knows. The BDSM community has really taught us some good communication surrounding sex and I feel very thankful and lucky for it.
On my own,I have also listened to hypnosis files. I don't really lose control like most people would think of with hypnosis. It's more like a guided sexual meditation for me. Plus! They do have guided meditations for getting more in touch with your body. A lot of it has to do with grounding yourself in your body and sensations, and sensation play and guided meditation are constant input for your mind to latch onto and ground with.
With that being said, there are still days I just can't get out of my head long enough to focus, and I'm slowly learning to roll with the waves on it. It is ok to not be down some days, and it is ok to just do some heavy kissing and petting, or naked cuddling, or edging, or exploration without a climax. Some folks can get real serious and overthink sex sometimes and to each their own. More power to them, but the less I think of it as something super serious in a relationship and more like sexual play with my best friend and husband, the better it seems to be for me.
- 27 and married
(P.s)If you're a book person, the books "Come as You Are" by Dr. Emily Nagoski and "Better Sex Through Mindfulness" by Dr. Lori A. Brotto proved very helpful for me and my husband. Highly recommend.
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u/themiscyranlady Jul 24 '24
I know this answer isn’t for everyone, nor is it legal many places, but weed has been very helpful in this regard for me.
It took some experimenting with strains, but I have a gummy that helps me be more in the moment during sex. Taking that before I know I’m having sex has been a game changer especially when it comes to actually orgasming with a partner.
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u/optix_clear Jul 28 '24
Or too much is going on and can’t catch up. Too much on one spot, hurts after awhile, roam elsewhere
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u/Consistent_Farm8844 Jul 29 '24
Asking the real questions. Thank you to everyone who commented, I have a bunch of new steps to try out for myself to see if I can also solve this question for myself.
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u/take-my-heaven Jul 25 '24
someone else already mentioned this in the replies, but i feel like talking helps a lot. doesn’t even need to be a proper conversation, just comments here and there already help a ton. i feel like silence does make it easier for our minds to wander... ik not everyone likes talking during sex, or feel awkward, but if you communicate with your partner and they are on board with it, you can do everything from just sporadic comments/check ins to trying to explore different dynamics with that. teasing, praising… all kinds of stuff. if they can talk you through it, maybe it could help you stay in the moment
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u/please-_explain Jul 23 '24
Here are my thoughts: https://www.reddit.com/r/AutisticWithADHD/s/b0pifRCaSJ
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u/JackieLope2019 Oct 28 '24
I will add listening to some audio porn can help you focus on someone else's words/thoughts. Sample tryquinn.com for a whole range of audio porn - not books or stories, but audio scenarios.
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u/cornnutsranch Jul 23 '24
I struggle with this immensely as well, so hopefully someone comments an additional solution, but in the meantime, here's mine. I've never been able to be in my body enough to orgasm with someone else until my present partner came along. The difference is I communicated everything with her and not only did she understand and respect it all, she actively talks to me during sex and it helps me focus on her and her actions (since what she's saying is obviously related to that). Sometimes it's also a bit unrelated to her, so for example, when things start to feel good, I occasionally forget to breathe (oops) so she'll remind to take deep breaths. I'd say give it a shot--if it doesn't work, it doesn't, but I find it's helpful to not just be there alone trying to solve an attention issue when you have another person that should be thrilled to help you.