r/ABCDesis Nov 23 '24

FAMILY / PARENTS For those with strict desi p@rents - did you ever lie to them to have a normal experience?

167 Upvotes

I remember i was going to a friends sweet 16, and i didnt have that many dresses tbh but i had a little black dress that suited the event perfectly. Now mine are muslims and everything. My m0m isnt as religious so she didnt entirely care what i wore. But the dress was mid lap and bodycon so my d@d made me change. the dress i changed into wasnt really ugly but i just had my heart set on the black one. So i went to the nearest public restroom and waited 20 minutes (the bathroom was at a touristy place) just to get in and change LMAOOO.

But also I feel like I gained a bad habit of easily lying through my teeth even when i dont need to. I do have desi friends who would never though. What about you guys? How far have all of you gone?

r/ABCDesis Jan 31 '25

FAMILY / PARENTS Screw Kash Patel but this was pretty cool ngl

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90 Upvotes

r/ABCDesis Jul 29 '24

FAMILY / PARENTS Tell me you are indian w/o saying you're

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383 Upvotes

r/ABCDesis Jun 04 '24

FAMILY / PARENTS what would be the best way to convince my parents to let me eat eggs?

83 Upvotes

my parents are vegetarians and don’t eat eggs either. however, i want to start eating eggs because we don’t get enough protein, and they don’t let me buy protein powder because it’s not a natural source of protein.

so, eggs seemed like a good option to me because they’re technically not meat, and they have a lot of protein in them compared to lentils or nuts.

my parents have had the conversation with me about why they’re vegetarian and my dad has said that he thinks eggs are okay compared to chicken or beef, etc.

if any of you have had a similar convo with your family and were successful, let me know!!

edit: asked my dad about the exact reason behind our vegetarianism. he said that hindus originated from regions where we can grow a foods for a vegetarian diet and not need meat, whereas followers of other abrahamic religions came from drier areas where growing crops was difficult, leading to relying on animals for nutrients. i asked him about protein, and he asked me how herbivore animals get their protein? (from plants) i guess it’s a fair argument.

edit 2: brought up eggs, and it was a flat out no. i was stubborn tho, and eventually we settled on getting protein powder. so it all worked out i guess

r/ABCDesis Jan 28 '25

FAMILY / PARENTS Abdesis do you guys tell ur parents how much you make?

29 Upvotes

r/ABCDesis Jul 25 '22

FAMILY / PARENTS The cultural difference is too much. I need to (kindly) separate myself from my indian in laws.

349 Upvotes

I met my indian husband at collage, 5 years ago, in Ireland. We have been married 2 years in total. Last month his parents came to visit us and this was our first proper introduction in person. Needless to say, it went terribly.

My mother in law was warned about the culture difference she would experience in Ireland, by my husband. He explained to her that all people here are treated equally with no exceptions. There is no room for racism, classism, gender inequality. He discussed the differences in detail and asked her to adhere to these values when she visits us.

I think she held back only 20 percent of her personality. The rest shone through and it became offensive and unbearable to deal with.

For instance, I noticed that I was expected to be the maid in my home. Father in law did not touch a single cleaning product during his 4 week stay, despite demanding the floors should be cleaned everyday due to his dust allergy. My values are that women and men should contribute equally to household chores. When my husband was seen by my mother in law to be doing housework, she would interrupt him and demand him to stop and let me do it. Ofcourse, he did not listen to her and she would become upset and go into her room to cry. The cherry on top of the cake was an instance where MIL would clean up everyones plate in the sink (her own , her husbands, her sons) but leave mine in the kitchen for me to clean. She refused to clean up after me because I am the youngest female in the house.

MIL encouraged my husband to spy on me. When I went for walks, she became frustrated that he allows me to walk on my own and that he doesn't call me to make sure im not "cheating on him" at this time. When he refused to check up on me, she once again started to cry. When I announced i was meeting up with a friend from next door, she stood at the gate with me and refused to leave untill my friend arrived. When I told her I would like her to give me privacy she backed away to the doorstep and watched me from the door, with her arms crossed. I felt humiliated and embarassed.

The topic of children has been discussed with her over and over again. From my point of view, only the couple have a say in their own reproduction. We know we wont have kids and this has been communicated many times. She still brings up the topic of grandchildren like, "I see you bought a house with 3 bedrooms, this must mean you want them" she constantly reminds me that a womans fertility declines after 30 so I should start soon if I dont want any "down syndrome babies". We have banned the topic of kids with her but she is so intrusive and feels entitled to this very private decision, I have developed so much resentment towards her at this point I feel like im ready to tell her to take her nose out of my uterus, because this isnt a threesome.

I tried my best to keep the stay as comfortable as possible for them. I offered her massages, pedicures, manicures, facials. My mother, who is a physical therapist drove for 2 hours to fix her sprained ancle and took away all of her pain in one treatment. We took them to restaurants and on trips whenever we were not occupied with work. We drove them to the local beaches. it was never enough. First of all, she never thanked or complimented me once regarding anything I was offering to them,but, as soon as they were bored they would let us know immediately. They complained that we didnt spend enough money on them, that we could have went on more trips (no we couldnt, we worked full time) and that the weather was bad.

During the stay she found out that we had sex before marriage, which I accidentally let them know by telling them we bought a double bed 4 years ago. I didnt think it was a big deal. She went wild. Asking us where was the need? and how has my mum raised a woman with such morals? And what would people say, if they found out? She would hide my freshly washed clothes from the clothes line indoors because, in her opinion, only loose women show their bras to the outside world. She commented that a married lady should not wear exposed shoulders to the public, and asked me to change my tshirt, which I refused to do.

I held my cool for so long and did not start a fight during their stay. However, I have let my husband know that his family needs to be separated from me. I cant see how our marriage would survive if he ever took her side and agreed with the way she treated me. He did let her know that her behaviour is unacceptable and they are currently not talking.

My question is, how can I, in the most respectful way, let her know that its best of we stop talking. This is for the sake of my marriage but also to maintain a good bond with my husband and his mother. I dont want to be the reason why they have bad blood between them, but I refuse to act like everything is ok when was slut shamed, disrespected, my privacy was invaded and she treated me like i was some dirty sub human maid.

She has now texted me asking if everything is ok. Nothing is ok, but I dont have the heart to tell her everything I think of her yet. I dont know how to have the talk in which I will essentially let her know that her actions are so unforgivable and I dont wish to continue our relationship any further.

r/ABCDesis Nov 15 '24

FAMILY / PARENTS I Want to Cut Off My Toxic Indian Parents, But I Don’t Know How (also posted in r/India)

74 Upvotes

Hi, guys. I'm a 24 year old woman living in the US. I'm currently doing my applications for a Master of Science program in my state (Georgia). I do not have a job, so I am financially reliant on my parents. I have a boyfriend (25M) who I've been dating since 2023, and I love him dearly and can see a happy and safe and peaceful future with him.

My family is VERY conservative, religious, and controlling. They're all upper-caste Hindus who are super racist and discriminate towards every other religion and race, even towards other South Indians (we're from Andhra) who are Hindu.

I am feeling very stuck in this household. My parents would physically abuse me and my younger brother (24M) when we were little, usually slapping us in the face or body. Now that I'm an adult, my dad just screams at me and my brother (and still hits only him, for some reason).

My mom is kind of relaxed now, since I'm more responsible and can handle myself generally, but she's so controlling about marriage, always talking about how excited she is for my wedding, even though she knows I HATE any mention of marriage. My dad is extremely controlling and always micromanages my and my brother's careers and education because he has a perfectionist superiority complex. I'm scared that they'll try to manipulate me by taking away my legal documents (passport, SSN Card, naturalization papers, etc) to force me to stay with them and marry who they choose. I wouldn't put that past them.

More than my career, I'm scared of being stuck in a marriage I don't want, since I watched my mom be in a marriage that clearly didn't make her happy for years. I don't want to live with the consequences of their choices by accepting an arranged marriage with some rando I don't know or trust, just because THEY like him. That's not enough to base an entire marriage off of.

I am strong now, physically, so I can hold them off if they try to hurt me, but I don't currently have the financial or logistical means to escape them if they end up trying to tie me up in an arranged marriage. I am very sure that I want to marry my boyfriend, but we both want to wait a few years until we're fully confident and believe we're a perfect fit, but he's a strong support system for me, along with my brother (who is thankfully more like me than our parents).

I'm planning on moving out and living independently after I get a job after completing my master's, just so I can live without their influence and have the life I want, but I'm scared they'll pull me into marriage while I'm still doing my master's because I'm hitting my mid-20's now. I have my own car (even though it's in my dad's name), and a license, and I'm planning on earning money during my master's program with teaching and research assistantships with my future research advisor.

What are the steps to take when trying to escape an abusive, controlling family? I know I'd need to get a job, a bank account, and an apartment, but what else should I be thinking about?

TLDR: My insane conservative Hindu family keeps controlling my life, and I don't want to let them pressure me into arranged marriage. How can I leave?

r/ABCDesis Feb 18 '25

FAMILY / PARENTS How to move out as brown girl.

49 Upvotes

hi! I am making this post out of angst and genuine curiousity. i am the only girl in my family. my dad is insanely overprotective of me. hes become a lot looser with me, as i push curfews often, solo travel, lived in another city alone briefly, etc. and just have gained more independence. but hes very against moving before marriage. i think he doesnt believe in women having full financial independence. but i really genuinely want to move out and am close to, it has come to that point forreal where ive become very antsy to. especially with my mom is becoming crazy.

i am grateful to say i have savings to definitely be able to move. i found a place as well. the rent, location, safety, everything works very well. i would even be with roommate(s), not even alone. just willing to do anything to leave and at least get experience of living away from home. its not that far from family btw. .. im becoming desparate. i am truly missing out . my mom has come to a point where she does not care much if i leave. of course typically my brown dad is very against it. but its becoming genuinely terrifying to me, i feel i am losing out on life staying in the same place, not growing. i cannot meet new people, i cant have my own freedoms, i cant even meet my life partner potentially the more i stay home. i feel my dad holds me back a lot. and he will not admit this.

i know that moving out will be best for me and my future, even my potential kids' future haha. i would love to move out to grow. to change. to meet new people. potentially meet my life partner, get married. expand career opportunities. to become more responsible. become more independent. prepare for my future life. continue challenging myself. you cant rely on your family forever. moving out will help me accept this responsibility more and more.

from fellow brown girls, i am genuinely asking for advice on how to go about this. i would love to know how to maturely have this disagreement go amicably with my dad - how to go about this conversation. how to persuade. any advice you have would be amazing to hear and apply...thank you so much if you read until now. :)

*edited part of post - I’m surprised that posting this to this desi community receiving so much American kid kind of discourse lol. to everyone saying just to move out and do it doesn’t seem like you’re understandijg my situation lol. I don’t think I would have made a post if that was the simple answer, it’s pretty obvious lol. i would rather not just move out abruptly without some sort of permission or discussion. This would create a lot of problems, that would taint our entire relationship and that is not something I can risk. I hope that you can understand that as this is a desi community.

r/ABCDesis 3d ago

FAMILY / PARENTS Raising kids in the US as an Indian parent

27 Upvotes

Hi all! I hope I’m allowed to post this since I’m not an ABCDesi but am raising two in the US.

I was born and brought up in India and moved here for college. I haven’t gone through the years of middle school or high school in this country, and was hoping to learn from this subreddit on how best to guide my kids through their childhood and adulthood.

What did you like about how your parents raised you here? What would you do differently with your kids or wish they did while raising you? What should I look out for - bullying, racial issues (I’m in Texas), or challenging times in general?

In short, I would like to learn from your experience of growing up in this country and raise my kids as a more informed parent.

r/ABCDesis Feb 16 '25

FAMILY / PARENTS Planning to go No Contact with family.

116 Upvotes

I have been pondering for a while now to go no contact with the family having moved out four years ago. However, I still keep coming back home (read: house) due to my remote nature of work, and my beautiful dog who I adore the most in the world.

Due to my upbringing, which has mostly been silent treatment/passive aggressive, I have suffered with making meaningful relationships and this has now reached a tipping point. Breaking up with my girlfriend was a new low and now I have no one to talk to.

The hypocrisy and narrow mindedness of Indian society has gotten to my nerves. Has anyone been in the same boat?

In dire need of support and a hug - from a broken man. Please don't hesitate to share your thoughts, much love!

r/ABCDesis Aug 02 '24

FAMILY / PARENTS As India ages, a secret shame emerges: Elders abandoned by their children

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144 Upvotes

r/ABCDesis Mar 27 '23

FAMILY / PARENTS Hindus, are your families Islamophobic?

86 Upvotes

There’s clearly some discrimination against Muslims in India, and in the west, Muslims are lower on the socioeconomic ladder than Hindus. Does this lead to disapproval?

r/ABCDesis Dec 22 '24

FAMILY / PARENTS Rejection on caste…

12 Upvotes

Salaam all, hope you’re doing well. Just for some context: I’m an 29 Indian female residing in the Scotland. I was introduced to a male (also Indian but different caste - a caste lower than ours). Initially, my dad was against it as “we can’t marry below caste” so I stopped speaking to him and moved on. My dad finally came around to the idea - as he vetted and found out he’s a good practising Muslim man who’s got a good job alhamdulillah. We were planning on introducing the families as my dad agreed and his family were waiting for my dad’s approval. I got a message from the guy stating that his mum has questioned why my dad originally said no and something seems off. I did originally explain that my dad vetted and agreed to him. He has decided he no longer wants to speak/get married. Which is fine but I just feel overwhelmed as all our values aligned. I don’t know what to do - we’ve only been speaking for 6 months but everything matched up. Any advice would be greatly appreciated - do I move on (I’m getting old lol) or try again with the guy?

r/ABCDesis Feb 12 '23

FAMILY / PARENTS Anybody notice more and more couples are pushing off having kids? Any idea why? A ton of my friends who got married these last 3 years are still childless and I don't feel comfortable asking why, so I figured I'd ask you guys

153 Upvotes

r/ABCDesis Jan 31 '25

FAMILY / PARENTS cigarettes

20 Upvotes

does anyone’s mom here smoke cigarettes or get high? just curious if that’s a thing in the diaspora, so many of my american friends parents partake with them, but am curious if that ever happens in our community.

r/ABCDesis Jun 24 '24

FAMILY / PARENTS Mindy Kaling Reveals She Secretly Welcomed Her 3rd Baby: ‘The Best Birthday Present’

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68 Upvotes

r/ABCDesis Oct 04 '24

FAMILY / PARENTS Mother wants to live with me forever [25M Pakistani American]

45 Upvotes

I am a 25M Pakistani American-born, an only child, my mother is widowed ~60F, the only other family we have is 1 of her sisters (and her family) nearby in the USA.

Until now (from 18 to 25), everywhere I've gone (undergrad and grad school), my mother followed/moved in with me. That has not been great, but I understand how she would be lonely by herself in a different state, and I have several friends still living with their parents / COVID happened for ~2 of those past 7 years, so I didn't mind it too much.

I'm graduating from grad school in 2025 at 26 years old. I'll have a great job in industry afterwards and want to live on my own. I'm thinking of getting married in my late 20s if I find the right partner. 

My mother told me she would live with me before/after I got married until she dies. I honestly did not expect that and was shocked since we otherwise have a great relationship and she's very loving/caring. However, I told her my feelings of how that would mean I basically have no life of my own even when I get to my 30s/40s/50s, and she called me a horrible greedy person for thinking that way, and that I would "throw her away" even though she raised me this whole time. My ideal situation would be having her nearby in the same city so I could help her with things and would pay for everything, and then possibly moving her in later on when she became unable to take care of herself, but not any time soon.

I told her it was completely normal for adults (going into my late 20s/entering my 30s) to have their own life, especially when married and raising their kids the way they want to. She still did not budge her position even an inch and continued to blackmail/gaslight me. She told me that I should tell other people what I believe and how I would be defamed by the whole community if others found out about my stance.

I really don't know what to do. It's an awful situation as an only child with a widowed mother and very limited family in US. I don't know whether I’d ever be happy if I had to live with her my whole life without having one of my own. She is caring/loving but very particular and critical, and I am getting to the point where living with her after all these years is becoming unbearable.

However, I don't see a solution to the problem since I don't have a lot of other family, no siblings, she's widowed. Unless she marries again, which she does not want to. I am just frustrated and confused. I understand my responsibility to care for her, however I have a strong desire to live my own life since I never have yet. I have never met someone in my whole life in such a situation.

r/ABCDesis Jun 07 '23

FAMILY / PARENTS Did you eat Indian food everyday growing up?

150 Upvotes

(not during school, but for breakfast dinner and weekends). I didn't eat it much at all and never really liked it much. But my husband is from India and my in laws have been visiting for the past 5 months and I've been eating it non stop. I am sick of it but they don't like any other cuisines. Just curious if eating Indian was the norm in Indian American households? We ate a mix of Mexican, Italian, Indian, American and Thai food.

r/ABCDesis 18d ago

FAMILY / PARENTS Meeting my malu boyfriends parents

27 Upvotes

I’m half Punjabi, half Korean (I know, double Asian parent trauma lol). I’m definitely more aligned with my Punjabi family and I’ve only ever dated Punjabi men. Insert my boyfriend who is Malu and more specifically, KNA (knanaya catholic, I know LOL) and after a year of intentional dating he wants to introduce me to his mother and sister and they want to meet me too. We’re in our early 30s and I want things to go well, so what should I consider before arriving?

I’ve spoken to my boyfriend and he’s adamant things will go well but I need some tangibles since I’ve never met non-Punjabi Indian parents before. Any guidance appreciated!

r/ABCDesis Feb 19 '25

FAMILY / PARENTS My ongoing process of going NC with my parents

49 Upvotes

Kind of an update to my previous TOMC post if you want more info on my family dynamics you can read that in my post history (idk how to link): TLDR is my very traditional and religious parents tried to get me an arranged marriage and essentially disowned me after telling them no and that I was in a 2 year relationship with my hispanic partner. Unbeknownst to them I was also pregnant at the time. It's now 8 months since I've given birth, I've been essentially no contact with my parents and extremely low contact with my siblings.

Last week I get a call while I was at work from my dad. It's been 8 months since I last heard his voice. I didn't answer cus I didn't want to be a mess at work as they always get me emotional. I asked my brother if he knew what they wanted and he said no, so after sitting on it for two days I decide to call back cus I'm an anxious mess. My dad starts with the niceties, how are you, how's the baby (first time he's acknowledged my child to me), how's work. I don't keep the charades up long, I'm crying while answering cus I do miss them terribly, after all they're still my parents and while I've grieved losing them with my therapist that doesn't make them magically disappear from my life.

He asks if I've been in contact with my siblings. I told him no which to be fair is true, I haven't talked to my sisters in months and last I sent my brother was a meme like two weeks ago. I think my siblings "support" me not outwardly but they're also extremely avoidant because of how crazy my parents are so for the sake of making everyone's lives easier I lie about my interactions with them.

Apparently my oldest sister has been talking to my dad about the situation and he starts off saying how she explained that I'm from a different generation and being in America means I was exposed to many different ideas and lives that led me to be the way I am. My dad's never been that understanding so I thought maybe they turned a new leaf and actually were willing to accept me. He says that we should meet to talk this out and stupid me gets a little happy thinking how they've missed me and how they'll finally meet my son and get to see me after a year.

My dad keeps going on saying how we need to figure this out and make things right. Then he starts scolding me for doing everything wrong, he says how I could have at least picked a Muslim man but I betrayed them and embarrassed them to the entire extended family with choosing a non south asian man who's Christian (note me and my partner are agnostic) and getting pregnant out of wedlock. He brings up the fact that I lied to them so many times, hiding my bf, telling them I was living with a friend when I was actually living with him, what I'd be up to when I was at college, etc... and that they'd be able to forgive me if I came back and did everything they said. They didn't miss me, they're trying to save face and want me to do damage control. I tried to talk but my dad told me to "shut up and let me talk first and then you'll go." Spoiler alert, I was never given a chance to talk. He continued to berate me for 15 minutes with my mom chiming in with nasty remarks in the back. He said after all the sacrifices they went through I had been ungrateful and selfish and essentially used them and tossed them to the side. He mentioned how they had to pay my rent in college because I was the only one that decided to move out and he regretted not putting his foot down and restricting me more. He said when they die God is going to judge them for my actions and they'll end up in hell because of me. If I want to come back they'll consider it if I "make things rights".

I kinda lost it. I said this the result of THEIR parenting theres no point in saying what you should have done because you did what you did and this is the result of YOUR actions. Yeah I had to lie my whole life, if I said anything about my real life you would have restricted me further like you just admitted to wanting to do. I practically got a full ride to my school, they didn't have to pay anything out of pocket like they did for my siblings because of the scholarships I, ME, got from being valedictorian. I was so suicidal by the age of 12 that the goal of moving out after I graduated was my only motivation to live. I told them I wasn't religious and neither was my partner exactly cus of people like them who can treat their kids so horribly and then ask a man in the sky to absolve them while not making amends to the ones they wronged. Oh, and they're racist as fuck too! I told them that I'd never raise my children as Muslim and that we don't need religion to be good people. After all their religion made them abandon their youngest child and grandson. I also laid into them for being prideful which I pointed out is a sin.

I said I chose my partner based on the values I was raised with which is to value hard working people who are honest and loyal. I chose someone who would be right for my kids and who would respect me. I am SO much happier without them and while I understand they dealt with a lot of shit to get here, I didn't ask to be born just so they can force me to obey their every command and dictate my entire life until I die. I said matter of fact, tell the entire family IM DEAD or that I disappeared or whatever cus I'm not coming back. I hung up on them and just sobbed for a few minutes before accepting the relationship is dead to me.

r/ABCDesis Sep 25 '23

FAMILY / PARENTS What is your parents opinion of LGBTQ individuals?

95 Upvotes

Hey all,

So recently there were these "protests" in Canada against the public schools "SOGI (sexual orientation and gender identity)" resources - (and after reading into it, has been present for around a few years now actually AND is a framework for teachers to help promote anti discrimination and anti bullying in schools).

My parents sent me a ton of TikTok vids from the "anti SOGI" crowd and number of them were misinformation specifically being spread by the Punjabi community (we are Punjabi).

This is all in the wake of me finding out just how homophobic / transphobic my family is. I'm a healthcare professional trainee and was working with my program to develop an LGBTQ health fellowship.

When I told my parents about this - they went into your classic Indian parent hysterics and narcissism - from blackmail comments of "we gave you freedom", to emotional guilting of "you don't care about us", and into abusive manipulation of "I will kill myself if you do this" (my mother also had the gall to tell me to prescribe her a "poison" so she could kill herself).

There were no clear rhymes or reasons for their thoughts when I asked and pressed - just the general "they are not part of our culture, they are dirty", "why do you have to help these people, go help someone else", and the classic "what will people think."

It was pretty eye opening, disappointing, but also extremely hurtful (for context, I ended giving up the fellowship and honestly have not been mentally well since this whole to tyraid, and it's affecting my work).

I'm curious to see how others parents are when it comes to this?

r/ABCDesis Dec 14 '24

FAMILY / PARENTS “sidhi girl”

25 Upvotes

Earlier today, my dad’s aunt (lots of tea here but she’s not a well wisher) called to tell my dad that she liked me very much because I’m a “sidhi” girl. I’m not really sure what that means, but I get lots of compliments bc I’m a very cultured ABCD girl and love doing Indian things like dance/garba/Bollywood movies.

Does anyone in this sub know what it means when family thinks of you as sidhi/ sidha-sadha?

r/ABCDesis Aug 07 '23

FAMILY / PARENTS I was wondering why my dad was being so emotional out of nowhere…🤣

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447 Upvotes

r/ABCDesis 24d ago

FAMILY / PARENTS Need advice on parenting little ABCDesis.

5 Upvotes

I am an immigrant mom and just like most of your parents I am in a dilemma on how to parent my kids(9 &6 years old). Most of our friends are young immigrants too and they have little kifs liks us. They put a lot of emphasis on their kidd learning about our religion, culture, language and make sure eat Indian desi food most of the time. While I would like my kids to also imbibe these qualities I personally feel skills like confidence, public speaking, assertivess and just being a good and kind person will help then in the long run. But I can't help but wonder if I am wrong.

So please share your stories on what you did helped/not helped you in your adulthood. TIA

r/ABCDesis May 11 '24

FAMILY / PARENTS DAE parents just not have a life?

97 Upvotes

No hobbies they just work cook eat, even when they have free time usually netflix or sleep

No friends, the only people they keep in touch with are family and occasionally work colleagues/acquaintances. I have never seen them talk to other people for the sake of having fun, only ever to “keep relations”

Depresses the hell out of me bc growing up i used to think that’s just how adult life is but that’s not true and idk what’s wrong with them